Do you remember the day we met? I remember picking up the phone and hearing your voice for the first time. I thought, "This guy has the sexiest voice.". We talked for nearly two hours that first evening. When I hung up I was already yours for life. It sounds crazy, but I knew.
We were meant for each other.
Our first trip, Universal Studios, 1998
Life is hard, but it is so much easier having someone to share it with. You are not just my lover, you are my friend, my soul-mate, my hero. You are the world to me, and the world is perfect in my eyes.
Our vows, December 2, 1999
Please, don't worry. We do not need to be rich. We do not need to have all the shiny new things. We do not need to be perfect. All we need is to be a "we".
I cry for joy every time you finish my sentence. You know me inside and out.
I smile every time you bring my favorite soda, movie, food, etc. You pay attention to the little things.
I melt in your arms because they hold me just the way I need to be held. You love me so very much.
You never stop bad habits. Like texting me and then immediately calling...right when I'm opening the text. It drives me up the wall, but it is your habit, so I love it.
You sacrifice so much for me. It breaks my heart that you do it. But you do it out of love. You do not have to, but you sacrifice out of love for me. And I am eternally grateful.
I could write a list of all the things you do to show me how much you care about me and love me. But then I would be writing that list forever because you do so much.
Let me tell you how much I love you.
I love you so much I think my heart is on the verge of exploding.
I love you so much I cry at just the thought of how much I love you.
I love you so much I never think, "I...", but always think, "we...".
I love you so much that I always feel like I can not adequately express how much I love you.
I look forward to being that old couple walking together and holding each other up.
Today I celebrate my 36th birthday. I have always thought of birthdays as a day to celebrate the fact that a person was born and show them that they are loved and valued and remind them that the world would not be as bright without them in it. That belief has not changed, but now I view my birthday a little differently. To me my birthday is a celebration that I am still alive, I am a survivor, a fighter .... and very, very lucky.
Birthday 1981
I will not make this post about the past several years of struggle and near death experiences. If you want to know the details you can read my previous posts beginning in October 2013 and leading all the way up to this one. The rundown is that I am type 1 diabetic (diagnosed 1987) and spent several recent years without medical insurance, and I have always rebelled against and neglected my diabetes care. In October of 2013, following a couple years of extreme chest pain, weakness, etc., I had emergency open heart surgery. Immediately following the heart surgery recovery I began a long series of eye surgeries for retinopathy. On top of all of this I have suffered financially, emotionally, and with many other health issues.
The past three or four days I have looked forward to my birthday. My mind has been full of thoughts of joy, gratitude, love, accomplishment, near contentment, and some downright giddiness.
Birthday 1984
I have been through a self-made hell and now I am on the other side stronger, happier, and healthier. I spent a little over three years in constant, unyielding, and utterly soul draining pain. To look at myself now - strong, happy, and with much less pain - I realize how very bad off I was. When I was going through it I new it was bad; when I thought about the future all I could see was a big sign painted in red saying:
"Diabetes has won, welcome to the afterlife, bitch."
There are a lot of reasons I survived and took the upper hand and seized control of my health.
Concern - Somewhere deep within myself I have always cared about my health and wanted to be healthy. But ever since the day of my diagnosis I have been consumed with hatred, loathing, anger, fear, and any other word you can use to describe negative emotions. But while I was in the hospital sitting there with nothing better to do but think about what I've done, I vowed to not be just another statistic anymore. I will take control! I will literally work my ass off to prove diabetics don't have to melt into sugar water!... Those of you who don't know, ancient Greeks thought diabetes was a disease that literally caused the body to melt into sugar water.
Birthday, a few months after diagnosis
Birthday, a few months after diagnosis
Disappointment - Not so much my own disappointment in myself, or even my family's disappointment in me (they never said a negative word to me but only showed love and care during my hospital stay and thereafter) but my disappointment in the doctor's. While I was in the hospital I expected to hear from at least one source a long talking to about how I need to straighten up and get my diabetes under control. But I heard none of this. Yes, I was told I needed to changed my diet and exercise more for heart health, but there was no talk, no lecture on getting my blood sugar under control, blah, blah, blah. I was surprised to find that this lack of lecture left me feeling like they were just being nice and making me comfortable as I prepared for certain death. It was like the health care system has totally given up on trying to re-rail the derailed train that is diabetes. "Oh, you're an uncontrolled diabetic, there's no hope for you, we'll just patch up your heart and send you on your way and bury you in a few years.". It made me feel like proving them wrong. I am not hopeless, damn it! I will show you!
Birthday 1993
Insurance - There is no doubt that the fact that I got insurance again after several years of not having medical care was a huge step in saving my life. I was able to see a doctor and get much needed prescriptions, tests, and treatments. This is how I was able to figure out what was wrong with me and have surgery to keep me alive. With no insurance I would most certainly have had a heart attack instead of surgery...and be long dead now instead of typing this.
My Bull-Head - No matter how bad things are, how frustrating, frightening, depressing, difficult, I never give up. I just can't, it's not in my genetic makeup to just sit back and let go. I may not succeed, I may choose the wrong way to get by. I chose the road of anger, hatred, and rebellion as a child and it took nearly dying of heart failure to make me realize I needed to change paths. Now I have chosen the path of good health and it will take something much stronger than heart failure to defeat me now!
Birthday 1999
Family - Not just my family through blood and marriage, but my family of friends as well. I would not be as strong as I am today if it weren't for the support of the wonderful people in my life. From visiting me in the hospital, supportive words, physically helping me, to hugs, tears, cheers, and encouragement in so many ways; I am surrounded by love and good people.
The woman who gave me life and has been there for me through everything
My husband has always been there for me.
So today is my birthday. I am happy to be alive. I am on the road to good health and have made a lot of progress, even if it is slower progress than I would like.
I am 36 years old today and I have no intention of leaving this world any time soon.
*I am not a medical professional. The following is simply my own opinions and experiences and education on diabetes.*
Admission: Hundreds of thousands of diabetics are admitted to the hospital every year with diabetes listed as the primary illness. Most diabetics who do not know they are diabetic are admitted to the hospital with life threatening illness at the time of diagnosis. Many diabetics who are considered uncontrolled suffer many diabetes related complications that can be fatal.
Beta Cells: These are located in the pancreas and produce and store insulin and amylin, and release them into the blood stream when needed. In type 1 diabetics the beta cells are destroyed by the body's own immune system. In type 2 diabetics the cells are too few or do not function adequately (and/or the body becomes resistant to insulin).
Carbohydrate: This is one source of energy in foods (others being fat and protein). Carbohydrate raises blood sugar very quickly and there is no insulin that can counter the rise in blood sugar as quickly as carbohydrate raises it. It is best for diabetics to follow a very low carbohydrate diet in order to keep blood sugar regulated and avoid the "roller-coaster" effect (large rises and dips in blood sugar levels).
Dawn Phenomenon: An apparent reduction in the effectiveness of insulin in lowering or maintaining blood sugar due to rapid clearance of insulin from the bloodstream by the liver. It may begin about an hour before arising in the morning and continue for 2-3 hours after awakening. - Taken directly from Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Solution (4th edition)
Eating - Many diabetics have a love/hate relationship with food. Diabetics must watch very closely what we eat and how much. For a diabetic sitting down to a meal is not just sit and eat, but also includes sometimes complex calculations of how much carbohydrate, protein, fat, and calories are in the meal and how much insulin needs to be administered 10-40 minutes (depending on the type of insulin) before the meal to avoid any high blood sugar. As you can imagine, a diabetic must know ahead of time exactly when the meal will be and what it will consist of so they can check their blood sugar, take the proper amount of insulin, and then finally eat.
Fat - It is a common misconception that all diabetics are overweight or that being overweight causes diabetes. For type 1 diabetics weight has absolutely nothing to do with developing the disease, you either get it or you don't. For type 2 diabetics being overweight can contribute to your risk of developing diabetes but being overweight does not directly cause diabetes and it is not strictly overweight people who develop type 2. Anybody can develop type 2...there are just certain things that can increase your risk, or decrease it.
Glucose - A naturally occurring sugar, which when measured in the blood is called blood sugar. Glucose is the building block of most carbohydrates and of glycogen. - Taken directly from Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Solution (4th edition)
Hemaglobin A1c (HgbA1c) - A lab blood test that measures one's average blood sugar over the prior four months. Diabetics usually have this test done every 3-6 months depending on their doctor's determination. The average non-diabetic will have an A1c of 4.5 (average blood sugar of 83) and there is absolutely no reason a diabetic can't reach and maintain that same number. It is very difficult and a lot of constant hard work and self-discipline, but it can be done. Many doctors and organizations will say that any A1c between 4 and seven is healthy. This is a pretty controversial subject, though.
Insulin Resistance: When the body becomes less sensitive to the effects of insulin on blood sugar. This causes blood sugar to rise and requires much more insulin to regulate it. This can lead to or be the result of a whole host of difficulties and complications.
Junk Drawer - Diabetes comes with a ton of paraphernalia. Most diabetics own at least one glucose monitor which comes with a lancing device, lancets, test strips, a case to carry it all in, and in many cases alcohol swabs, as well as maybe a continuous glucose monitor (CGM). Also there is insulin (many types, most diabetics use at least two types), syringes, pump and all the pump supplies. Many diabetics are on at least one pill either directly for diabetes or for any number of related complications. There are also glucose tablets, glucose gel, glucogon injections, all of which are to treat low blood sugar. There are many other useful and required tools for diabetes care.
Ketoacidosis: Caused by a combination of very high blood sugar and dehydration. This involves high blood levels of ketones, including acetone, and an acidification of the blood. This is life threatening and requires immediate medical attention.
Lisinopril - A medication normally used to treat high blood pressure. This drug, however, is often prescribed to diabetics in small doses to protect the kidneys from damage done by high blood sugar.
Maltodextrin: This is a mixture of sugars derived from corn syrup and is used as a sweetener in many foods. This can raise blood sugar just as easily and drastically as table sugar and should be avoided by diabetics.
Neuropathy: There are several types of neuropathy, the two most common are peripheral neuropathy and autonomic neuropathy. Neuropathies are not conditions only to be suffered by diabetics; there are many causes for neuropathy. Any kind of neuropathy is generally defined as damage to nerves. Both autonomic and peripheral neuropathy in diabetics is caused by high blood sugars.
Obituary: Diabetes is the seventh leading cause of death in the United States. This could be greatly reduced if diabetics and close family of diabetics were to become better educated about their disease and take action to live healthier.
Proliferative Diabetic Retinopathy: After years of chronically high blood sugar a diabetic can develop retinopathy. This is a very serious condition of the retina that can lead to blindness if untreated.
Quiet: Diabetes is a silent disease. Walking down a busy street you would be unable to pick out the diabetics from the non-diabetics. But we hear it, we feel it, we see it, we live it all day, everyday.
Renal Risk Profile: This is a series of lab tests every diabetic regularly has done to asses any damage done to the kidneys. Diabetics are at high risk for kidney damage, disease, failure.
Syringe: A device every diabetic knows intimately. Insulin dependent diabetics can take any number of injections a day depending on individual needs. Also, all diabetics should have regular lab work done.
Type: There are many types of diabetes, type 1, type 2, LADA (latent autoimmune diabetes in adults), gestational, surgically induced diabetes, chemically induced diabetes. Different types of diabetes means similar but not exactly the same.
Unit: A measure of the biological effectiveness of insulin at reducing blood sugar. The lines on the scale of an insulin syringe frequently measure increments of either 1/2 or one unit.
Vagus Nerve: This is the largest nerve in the body, and the main neural component of the part of the nervous system that regulates parasympathetic autonimic (involuntary) functions. When a diabetic suffers autonomic neuropathy this means there is damage to the vagus nerve (as well as other). As you can imagine, this can lead to many frightening and sometimes fatal issues.
Will Power: Being diabetic means living a life not quite the same as non-diabetics. Diabetics must follow a strict diet. Diabetics must check their blood sugar regularly and balance their diet, activities, and medications in order to maintain a normalized blood sugar level. This lifestyle is essential to getting and staying healthy. This lifestyle requires a lot of will power and self-discipline.
X it out: There are a lot of things a diabetic should drop from their life (most of them foods). Many diabetics hate this idea because they think it means depriving themselves of something they like. It is best to think of it as choosing to live healthy and long...and pain free.
Years: It is hard to gage life expectancy in diabetics simply because there are so many factors such as type of diabetes, how long you've had it, how well you control it, etc. But it is obvious that the more regulated you keep your blood sugar, and the healthier your lifestyle, the better your odds of living to a ripe old age.
Zzzz: Get plenty of restful sleep, it's good for all of us, diabetic or not!
I was at work (I don't really have a job, but in this dream I apparently work at CVS Pharmacy) and just getting off shift. I walk out to my car, get in and start heading home. (I don't drive in reality because I lost my driver license due to vision issues but in this dream apparently I have no problems). I am driving my old Suzuki Swift (a car that in reality I got rid of years ago, but still think about often because it was my first car and a very good little car).
I get barely a block and then decide to walk. I start walking and thinking about everything there possibly is to think about:
- My husband
- My fitness level
- My health
- Why do so many marriages end in divorce?
- pets
- work
- family
After a while I begin to feel my legs hurting like they always do when I try to walk more than a block. I think to myself that I just need to get home. I keep walking...
"Wait, why am I walking? Where is my car? Why am I not driving?" I look up and around. I am walking down Goldenstate (the Old 99 as we call it in these here parts). A man holding a big water jug and standing next to an old blue pick-up is staring at me with a worried and perplexed look on his face.
What's he staring at? I keep walking.
After a bit a police car pulls up next to me and the officer gets out. "Hey, just come sit right here. Where are you going? Let me see your ID." He says to me as he takes me gently by the upper arm.
Apparently I say stuff to him but I don't know what I said. And I get my ID out of my purse.
The officer looks at my ID and asks me again where I am going. I tell him I am just walking home from work.
"But you are headed in the opposite direction of your home. You're headed to Selma, you live in Kingsburg."
I apparently was thinking I was still living at my old house in Selma. I say things to the officer again, but don't know what I said.
"I think you were the driver of that red Swift. You obviously were injured..." He waves a hand indicating my body.
I look down and see that my clothes are drenched in blood.
"You have a head injury, an ambulance is coming, sit tight." He says. "How did you walk unnoticed away from the crash and how did you get so far before someone called us?" He kind of mutters to himself.
Suddenly a memory of my little red Swift flashes across my mind. My poor car in the middle of the road all crumpled up.
I am the type of person who loves to work my body. I love the feel of a good workout, the stretch and burn of working my muscles, the type of exhaustion that somehow also makes you feel energized and ALIVE! I just love it.
But I am also the type of person who finds it difficult to get up and go. All my health issues keep me knowing I need exercise but also make it difficult and very painful (in a bad way) to do any real physical activity.
So, how do I get and stay motivated and encouraged to work through the pain and find good health and fitness?
One thing I found is through Xbox Fitness. It is a program on Xbox One and Xbox 360, (found in the game center)where you can choose from many workouts, many are free but some you will need to pay for. Choose your workout and do it. You can pick any workout you want to do at any time; keep doing the same one or change it up as often as you like. They offer workout programs for every level, beginners to experts What keeps you motivated to keep coming back and keep giving it your all is the many achievements set for you to reach like:
-time goals (work out for 10 min., work out for 30min, etc.) -beat your last score -beat your personal best on - squats, jumping jacks, lunges, etc.
And so many more!
During your workout the program (through Kinect) reads your body heat and tells you when you need to "go lower!", "Dig deep!", "Reach higher!", etc. And also encourages you when you're doing it right, "Keep going!", "Awesome!", "Excellent!", "Perfect!", etc.
The program also keeps track of all your stats like, age, weight, height, heart rate, etc.
You gain badges for your achievements and once you get enough badges you move up to the next level of fitness.
It is an awesome way to keep motivated and encouraged to work harder and keep trying.
Have you tried Xbox Fitness? If not, what keeps you going? How do you stay motivated and encouraged to work harder and keep at it?
I will never give up trying to be healthy. I have made a lot of progress over the past year, but I have also had a lot of set backs. It's these set backs, temptations I have so easily given in to, hardships that came out of nowhere, that ensure that I always have feelings of guilt, failure, shame, and self-reproach.
I know even the most healthy and "successful" of diabetics have bad days, temptations, set-backs. It is impossible to be perfect. It is impossible to avoid the unavoidable things in life that just happen. But I am where I am because of me for the most part. I have heart disease, neuropathies, retinopathy, and all these other issues mostly because of my lifetime of self neglect and abuse.
Sure, things happened that were out of my hands. I didn't choose to go so many years without insurance. I didn't choose a lot of the things that happened in my life that made it so much more difficult to live healthy. But I did choose to eat as bad a diet as I did. I did choose to be as sedentary as I was. I did choose to not check my blood sugar often enough, and when I did check it I mostly just ignored the number. I did choose to avoid going to the doctor when I did have insurance. I did choose to ignore all the teachings and warnings my family and doctors offered.
So yes, I will always feel guilty. I will always live with self-loathing. I will always feel that current set backs are solely because I am a horrible human being and a terrible diabetic. No matter how hard I try and how much success I have with my health, I will always feel I am not doing good enough.
So many of you are nodding your heads in agreement. Not in agreement that I am a failure, but in agreement with the way I feel. Because you feel it as well. No matter how hard we try, it's never good enough. It is a never ending battle with a million casualties along the way.
And there are so many of you nodding your heads in disagreement. I shouldn't feel as bad as I do. All that matters is the here and now. I've made my mistakes and now that I've learned from them I can move forward to a better me.
Lies, I don't live in the past nor have I learned enough from it. When stress hits, when things go bad, or simply when I'm feeling run down, I fall back on old habits. It has been two weeks since I've checked my blood sugar. I am back to taking my old standard super high dose of insulin. I have gained back the 20 pounds I lost.
Why? Because I suck at life. Because I am weak and give in to temptation way too easily.
I had set the rule of no, absolutely NO carbs allowed in my house. When the rule was followed by everyone in the house everything was going so well. But as soon as carbs came into the house all will power ran out the door and I gorged as I always do.
I had zero temptations, zero cravings, zero trouble living "right" as long as the house was free of the evil things. But I can not resist temptation. If there is something I crave and it is at arms reach, there is no saying no. I will obsess about it until it is in my stomach.
You say moderation is key. NO IT IS NOT. For me it is all or nothing. I can not have just a small amount of something I like. If it is there I will eat it and I will eat ALL of it. The only thing that stops me is the fact that I have finished it off and there is no more to have.
This is why I set the rule of absolutely no carbs allowed in the house. And this rule worked so well until the holidays hit and we ended up with a ton of goodies, all of which were packed full of carbs. And what have I been doing but giving in to them at every turn and going to bed every night feeling like I am going to puke and hating myself for being who I am.
How do I deal with being diabetic and gorging on carbs? I avoid checking my blood sugar and seeing the high numbers. I take massive amounts of insulin knowing full well it's only going to pack on more pounds... and maybe keep me out of the hospital.
Can you imagine the doctor at the hospital? "What brings you in to my emergency room?"
"I ate cookies, and breads, and hot chocolate, and candy, and pizza, and chips, and crackers, and dip, and milk, and soup, and juice, and corn..."
"Why did you do that?"
"Because it was there."
Geez, I'm so pathetic.
But I do so well when my rules are stuck to. It's so easy. Just keep the carbs out of the house. My cravings diminish to a level I can handle when I don't have the object of my temptation at hands reach. When the house is full of carbs I am bombarded with multiple and heavy temptations and cravings and since they are right there in front of me, I simply give in.
So just keep them away and I'll be fine.
Don't worry, I know this post is a woe-is-me rambling of depressing whining. But, really, I'll be fine. I'll get back up and start again. Just like I always do. And hopefully this time I'll do much better and the good times will last much longer.
Another year gone by and what have I done? As far as accomplishments, I suppose I'm not too disappointed in myself. I could have done a lot more, though; especially health wise. As far as things that have happened to me, we'll talk about that. The year as a whole, not too shabby if I do say so myself.
2014 rundown:
January: I started the year out still pretty fresh from open heart surgery, but I was feeling pretty good by this point, if not just a bit weak and easily worn out. I had to go in and renew my driver license and was required to take the written exam and eye exam. I passed the written exam with no trouble, didn't get 100% but didn't fail. Went over to do the eye exam and they first had me read the chart with both eyes open. No problem, this test is easy peasy...the letters on the chart are so damned big, who could fail? Then with just my left eye open; again, no problem. Then with just my right eye open. Um, I can't make out any letters, they're all blotchy and twisted and blurry.
Needless to say, they refused to renew my license until I had an eye exam and had the doctor fill out a special form stating I can see well enough to drive. No problem, I'll just go get that exam, get my right eye fixed up...probably just need a new prescription for my glasses. Let's just ignore the fact that I know exactly what is wrong and that I need surgery and may never get my license back again...
On January 8th, my good friends Kim and Jon had their second child, Dean. It was a happy day.
January 16th, first day back to work after heart surgery
January 2014's best quote - "Everybody has one thing they are really good at naturally; my talent is self destruction. I'm better at it than anyone I know." - Me
February - On February 5th I saw an ophthalmologist. My eyes were obviously in bad shape and I was asked to return the following week to see a retina specialist.I returned a week later and was given a very full and somewhat invasive exam on both eyes. I met my retina specialist for the first time and immediately liked him and was very impressed by his knowledge, compassion, and gentle nature. I was told I needed surgery immediately on my right eye to reattach my retina and clean up the scar tissue and mess caused by years of diabetic retinopathy. My left eye would need laser treatments. I had the first surgery on my right eye the following week. I had several eye and regular doctor appointments this month as with most months this year.
A few days after eye surgery
February 2014's best quote - Me- "What were you trying to type?"
Lee- "I was trying to type "giggity" and my phone changed it to "Yoghurt". So I was like, I'm done for the night..."
March - March started out to be a fun month. I was still under doctor's orders to not look up. My right eye was still healing from the surgery and I still had a gas bubble in it and had to keep my eyes to the ground at all times lest I damage my eye from pressure in the wrong spot.
On March 11th I had the second surgery on my right eye. This time was to stop a hemorrhage that wouldn't stop on its own.
We got a new puppy and I named her Agape (ah-gah-pay).
The weekend of the 29th we took a trip to Paso Robles to visit family. It was a nice relaxing but too short trip.
March 2014 best quote: Lee - "Do you still love your new puppy?"
Me: "Yes."
Lee: "What did you and puppy do today?"
Me: "She kept chewing on things and I kept yelling at her."
April - April was a quiet month. I worked. I had several doctor appointments but they were all routine. I had a few severely low blood sugar's, and few highs, but tried hard to stay in line.
April 2014 best quote: Me - "Samuel L. Jackson, The L stands for "Fuckin'. "
May - May was a quiet month. I did spend my husband's birthday party sick in bed with food poisoning. Never did figure out what caused it.
May 2014 best quote: Me - To Lee after he farted. "You're a horrible human being."
Lee - "I'm an even worse zebra."
Me - "...."
June - I spent a lot of time in June thinking about how I'll probably not live to old age. I was depressed this month, I think because of all the surgeries and healing time and the fact that I had such a hard time getting and keeping my blood sugars in the normal range.
On June 10th I had my third eye surgery. This one was to put on a scleral buckle and put in another gas bubble as well as to clean up a bit more inside my eye. This surgery was very painful during and after.
Two days after third surgery
June best quote:
My phone needs to learn that I don't need auto-correct...I just have a dirty mouth:
Me: Texting Lee - "Hippy needs to learn to stfu, she's driving me insane."
Lee- "When did we get Hippies?" ME- "Guppy....how do u turn off this ducking autocorrect?"
Lee - "Hahaha."
July - July started out with a nice gathering of friends for Independence Day. And then several other days of hanging out with friends.
Then I got an infection on the back of my thigh. I would end up dealing with this very bad staph infection for three months before it finally healed leaving a scar.
This month I finally went to the DMV to get an ID. It took this long for me to admit I probably will never have a driver license again.
July 26th, eye still healing from surgery 3
July best quote - *watching T.V.* Lee- "Look there's Sean Bean." Me: "Is it a new movie?" Lee - "No, it's a new T.V. show." Me: "Well that's going to be a short-lived show."
*Ba Dum, Tiss*
August - On the 12th of August I had eye surgery number 4. This time was to clean out the hyphema (collection of blood) at the front of my eye as well as to have an artificial lens put in.
At the end of the month I spent a few days with my mom and other family members. Good times.
My cat comforting me the day after surgery.
August best quote -Me - "I'm gonna start working out again, you know, get that sexy body I
never actually ever had but know it's in there somewhere." Lee- "Just like there's a skinny guy somewhere inside Lee?" Me- "There's no skinny guy inside you, you were born chubby, you're meant to be chubby." Lee - "Thanks..." Me- "You can lose weight, just don't get skinny. Just like I can lose weight but not lose my curves." Lee- "If you lost your curves I'd divorce you." Me - "If you got skinny I'd divorce you." Lee- "agreed." Me - "Good, we're on the same page."
September - September was a quiet month, not a whole lot happened that is worth talking about. I spent a lot of time at doctor appointments and continuing to heal from eye surgery. I was officially diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy.
September 12th, eye still healing
September best quote: Me - "Lee, we've been married long enough, I think I know what your butt sounds like."
October - In October we went to the Fresno Fair. It was a nice day with a lot of walking. We spent little money and tired ourselves out going area to area and looking at the exhibits. It is a tradition of ours to just go and wander the fair once every year.
Mid October I began reading and studying Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Solution. I fond it extremely interesting, educational, and helpful. I began to implement his teachings into my lifestyle and have been growing more and more healthy as a result.
Toward the end of October we went to our friend's annual Halloween party. It was a lot of fun as it is every year. Everyone who came in costume did a wonderful job showing their artistic side.
Halloween
October best quote - Luke - "I sucked eight inch dick to pay for this game and the servers are down?!"
November - On November 15th we moved from Selma to Kingsburg. We went from a room-mating situation to living just myself and my husband, and our cat. We are renting a place with no yard and no pets (except our cat) allowed, so we had to find homes for our three dogs. Although we were able to find very good homes for them, it was a heartbreaking thing to do.
This month I found out my retina specialist that has handled all my care and surgeries over the past months is no longer with the group I am a patient of. I was worried at first because he is an absolutely brilliant doctor and now I have no idea how well my ongoing care will be handled. I am, so far, satisfied with my new specialist. But no one can ever live up to the great Dr. Hunter.
Thanksgiving was a wonderful two days spent with family and eating way too much.
Thanksgiving day
November best quote -
Me: "Do you want to be that 100 year old couple holding hands walking down the street?"
Lee: "Yes, I want to live to see cyborgs."
Me: "Oh, yeah, it has nothing to do with loving your wife..."
December - December began with my friend, Kim's, birthday party. It was a fun evening full of friends, contests, and a gift exchange.
Christmas was a fun filled two days with family. Always love to just lounge around and visit.
New Year's Eve was spent with a small group of friends, just the way we wanted it.
December best quote - Me: "I am the most self-destructive person I know."
So what is my New Year resolution? To continue to improve my health, writing, and overall quality of life. And hopefully have a more exciting (in a good way) year than 2014 was.
Over this past month I have had four instances where people (diabetic and non-diabetic) have made comments to the tune of: "It's not that hard.", "I'd make a good diabetic, I already eat like one should.", "It's easy for me.". Although these comments weren't meant to be hurtful or degrading, or even aimed specifically at me, I took them as if they were.
For the first time in nearly a year I find myself wanting to crawl under the covers and cry myself to sleep and never come out.
Is it really easy for other diabetics? Am I just a terrible failure?
Of course I know it's not easy for most diabetics. It never has been for me, and I have spoken with countless other diabetics who struggle just as much as I do.
For me personally, I struggle because diabetes requires certain qualities that I just wasn't born with, nor have I ever been able to cultivate them within myself. Self-discipline, will power, a militaristic mentality.
I was born as what you might call a free spirit, a rebel... everything a diabetic shouldn't be.
Diabetes comes with a lot of "rules", and demands routine, ritual, sacrifice, restraint. All of these things go against my core. You give me rules, you demand things of me, and my first and most powerful instinct is to resist, to fight. You tell me no, you tell me I must stay away from something, I just become more determined to have it. You give me things I must do, and a schedule to do them on...I will die of monotony, it will drive me insane and make me feel trapped like a wild animal.
My thinking is that those diabetics that say it isn't that difficult, that they find it pretty easy to stay "controlled", they are the people born and raised with the qualities needed to succeed at diabetes care.
And those of us who struggle everyday, we are the ones born lacking those qualities.
I have spent everyday fighting. Fighting the system, fighting diabetes, and most of all, fighting myself.
I am the most self-destructive person I know.
I have tried, am still trying, to change my core, to alter my own psychology. I have tried to build self-discipline, will power. I have tried to live to the rules and schedule a diabetic should follow.
It is exhausting to live against your nature. It wears you down, it makes you feel alien.
I just feel....wrong.
I must do it, though. If I don't I will die. I'm already half-dead.
Honestly, I have spent a lot of time thinking about death. I have considered my options:
1. Change who I am and live healthy and to old age.
2. Continue being myself and die slowly, one piece at a time, and in a ton of pain.
3. End my existence...
It's not difficult to follow the "rules" of diabetes. What's difficult is the constant battle against yourself. Fighting the temptation, fighting the urges, the constant self restraint, self sacrifice, the constant feelings of failure...
I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I want to be me!
It's times like this that I realize how very much I hate myself. Why can't I do things right? Why was I born so unequipped for this disease? Why must I always choose to do what's worst for me?
Why can't I take my bullheadedness and rebellious nature and use them to be a good diabetic? Why must I always have the urge to hurt myself instead of help myself?
It's like having a weapon and either choosing to fight the enemy or kill yourself.
"Oh, oh, oh! I choose 'kill yourself!'" How dumb is that?
I'm already committing suicide. I've been doing it since my diagnosis. A very, very slow suicide.
I love psychology. I study it through every means possible. I've taken classes through the local community college as well as studying through online sources, books, discussing with others who are more educated on the subject than myself, through observing people, etc.. I am just fascinated by the human mind, behavior, and how emotion plays such a huge role in our behavior and thought processes.
Think about it. When you met the love of your life (or someone you thought might become the love of your life) what made you think they were special? As time went on what confirmed this...or changed your mind? How did your own emotions lead your thoughts and actions? Anger, frustration, heartache, made you think again about how strong your relationship was? Love, happiness, emotional fulfillment, made you think the relationship was strong? A roller-coaster of emotions kept you changing your mind over and over?
It's not so black and white, is it? Because emotion isn't everything, there are so many factors in why a relationship makes it or fails.
I met my husband for the first time over the phone. But let me tell you about when we met face to face for the first time...because face to face meetings have so much more impact on whether a relationship takes off or not. We met at a park in Fresno. I had chosen a public meeting place because safety had been so instilled in me. I arrived first and waited for him. He was late and I was considering leaving, thinking I had been stood up. But then there he was. I watched him approaching me. I remember thinking he looked both nerdy and handsome. He was wearing a white button shirt and tie (I don't remember what color or design the tie was), and black slacks and shoes. His glasses were thick and a little outdated in style. He had a pen in his shirt pocket and was wearing a beeper on his belt.
He introduced himself and I was reminded of why I had agreed to meet him. He spoke well and had a voice and personality that just turned me on and relaxed me. He then apologized for being late and explained that he had been at work and couldn't leave until business was taken care of.
We spent some time talking and getting to know each other. I liked him more and more and felt a connection that I, even today, could not put into words. It was emotional, it was psychological, and it was physical. I had never felt this with anyone before and when I looked into his eyes I just wanted to hold him close forever.
What was it that attracted me to him? His voice and the way he spoke with confidence. His clean cut and professional dress. They way he spoke of his family and how important they were to him. The way he looked me in the eye and really listened to me and made me the center of his attention.
But any of these things could be done by anyone. Why was it he who made me swoon? Why was it he who I felt such a powerful connection with? Why was it he who I felt I needed to be with forever? Timing? Maybe I was just in a place where I needed all the things he was offering at the moment. Maybe the moon was in the right position and our cosmic whatnots where aligned just right for the connection. Maybe some voodoo princess was poking our dolls just right. Who knows?
Our first official date was a trip to his house in Selma. He introduced me to his mom and brother and I remember feeling even closer to him and also feeling special because he valued me enough to want his family to meet me and me to meet them. I felt included in his life. We watched The Wedding Singer and cuddled on his couch. On the trip back to my place we talked about the future in general and he told me he thought I was someone he could marry. It wasn't a proposal by any means, but it did tell me that he felt the same about me as I did about him. From that moment on we were set in stone.
What made him so special? He was just an average guy by all means. What made him stand out to me? He noticed me, really noticed me. He paid attention to me and let me know he cared and thought I was special to him. He included me in his already busy life. He needed someone and chose me to be that someone.
What made me decide our relationship could go somewhere? That connection. That indescribable feeling, knowledge that could not be put into words even if I tried for a million years to find the language. And, of course, that physical change I felt deep in my core every time I saw him or heard his voice...or thought about him.
To the outside world, our partnership seemed different. Everyone seemed to be warning us that things were moving too fast. They wanted us to step back and breathe and take our time. They wanted us to make sure we were right for each other, make sure it would work. They seemed to be seeing something totally different from what we were seeing and feeling. They had yet to find out what we already knew.
By no means was our relationship free of struggle. We came from two very different worlds. He was Mexican-American and I was an all-American white girl. He was Catholic and I was Protestant. He was small town raised, I was city raised. He was outgoing, I was introverted. Even in our new found sugar-coated stage of love, we had disagreements. We hurt each other fairly easily. Why? Because that is how life works. We were connected but still individuals with our own minds, hearts, and desires. No, absolutely no, relationship is without conflict.
The thing I think we struggled with the most was communication. I was young and new to romantic relationships. In my immature mind a man in love should just magically know what his woman wants and needs. Is that too much to ask? Really? *sarcasm*. He didn't think it important to share EVERYTHING with me. We had no idea how to talk or not talk, convey needs and desires, or respect privacy. It took a lot of time (years) to work the communication conundrum out.
The making up part was fun, though.
It didn't take long for us to decide to become engaged. Remember, we had sealed our fate on our first real date. Ha! I'm a poet and didn't know it! ( <-- Scarlet Pimpernel reference). It was about six months after we met that he officially proposed. It was Valentine's Day, 1999. He had a ring and got down on one knee, the whole nine yards of tradition. It was romantic and special. Obviously I said yes.
We both loved having picnics at the park or on our living room floor. We loved watching movies together. We loved staying in bed and talking, messing around (non-sex), messing around (sex), and just relaxing together. We loved each other.
We told each other "I love you" all the time. We hugged and kissed a lot. He opened doors for me. We held hands when walking together or sitting next to each other. He bought me things, food, roses, stuffed animals, jewelry, etc.. I knew he loved me even though there were times I felt he didn't show it. There were plenty of times that I felt neglected, unwanted, unloved. But even though I felt this way, I knew it wasn't his fault (at least not completely) but the fact that I needed to remember that we are two different people...and two different genders. It is not his job, even as my soul mate, to make me the center of his universe. He needs his own time, just as I need mine.
He always took care of me. He's always been there for me. I've had a lot of health issues and he's never left my side and always did what needed to be done to help me get better. I've always tried to encourage him to realize his potential. He struggles with deep feelings of failure, inferiority, and worthlessness. These feelings are totally unfounded and just hold him back. I know he is so much more than he thinks he is and I have never stopped trying to get him to see what I see in him.
Our relationship has grown and become stronger and stronger because no matter what we've been through, we always learn from it, we always lean on each other and hold each other up. And when we look back over the years one thing stands out above everything else: Through the darkest days we were always side by side, we were always there for each other, we were never alone, never abandoned, never left to fend for ourselves...we had each other.
Before I met Lee, I had been in a couple other relationships but they lacked depth, maturity, love, and any connection. Before I met Lee, I felt alone, invisible, unimportant. After I met Lee my life improved tenfold. The world didn't get better, finances didn't improve, hardships didn't disappear. But now I had someone to strengthen me and help me through it all, and offer a shoulder to cry on. And I returned the favor. That's what it's all about.
I feel our connection the most when we are alone together. Simply hugging. I feel his familiar chest, hear his familiar heartbeat, and body heat, and breathing. I smell his familiar scent. It brings me to tears of joy and love. To know I have someone who chooses me over all others, who loves me with a love that can not die. And I love him just the same. Nothing can top what we have.
I think the only way to describe the psychology of this is a snowball effect. Whatever kicked it into action, it just grew as it rolled along and now it's too big to stop. I'm OK with that, I like this thing we have and I wouldn't try to dissect it, diagnose it, or label it in any way.
In April of this year (2014) I joined a social media site called TuDiabetes.org. This site was started with the intention of bringing together diabetics of all types and those people close to diabetics who are impacted by the disease as well.
I joined the site because I have spent my entire life at odds with my disease and the constant struggle, hatred, stress, and rebellion had taken it's toll and left me beaten, broken, and on the verge of death. I knew I needed help, support, and understanding in order to improve my life, psychology, emotional state, outlook, and physical health. I needed people who understood my struggle, who could relate and give me hope and advice. People who could help me stand and be strong.
It was the best thing I could ever have done for myself to join TuDiabetes.
TuDiabetes.org is a program of Diabetes Hands Foundation and was founded by Manny Hernandez (a diabetic) and his wife, Andreina, in 2007. The site offers many options to help diabetics improve themselves, find information, friendship, understanding, and so much more.
When you join you will first create your own profile where you can offer any information you are comfortable sharing such as what type of diabetes you have (or your family member if you are not the one with diabetes), what you are looking for on the site, such as information, people to relate to your struggle, etc., what tools you use to manage your diabetes, and any other information you want to offer.
Your profile page is customizable just like many other social media sites offer. And the site offers many ways to interact with other diabetics and those close to diabetics. You can post blogs about your experiences relating to diabetes. You can join in on discussions about so very many diabetes topics such as pumps, injections, highs and lows, complications of diabetes, coping emotionally, and anything else you might want to discuss.
The site offers special events such as live interviews with doctors, organizations, advocates, etc.,
There are groups available on the site you can join where only specific topics are discussed. Groups can be about anything diabetes related such as those suffering with neuropathy, or women with diabetes, or those following Dr. Bernstein's teachings, or diabetics with retinopathy, or diabetes and pregnancy, and so, so many more groups.
You can post photos and share videos on the site. You can make so many awesome friends who are just like you and fully understand what it is like to be a diabetic or live closely with a diabetic. This is an amazing thing, a very special thing, to have so many others who are going through just the same things as you and are so willing to help, share their knowledge, and just be so very supportive.
Right away I was greeted by many members who welcomed me and offered understanding, support, and friendship. And over the months that understanding, support, and friendship has not waivered, in fact, it has grown. I have joined in on many discussions and learned so much. My health and emotional outlook have both improved immensely because of the tips, support, encouragement, and education I have been given.
At about the same time that I joined TuDiabetes, I had decided to write on my blog about my life with diabetes. Because of the encouragement and support from my friends on Tudiabetes, my blog has grown and improved and I have been able to share my knowledge, experience, encouragement, and reach out to other diabetics who are struggling and just need to be able to find others to relate to and find knowledge and support in.
If you are a diabetic or close to a diabetic, then you will find understanding, support, and knowledge at TuDiabetes. This site will make your life so much better.
A bit of a rant...the following is my own personal opinion.
My entire life I have been told by friends, family, and even doctors that I can "live a normal life". That is a very loose term if you look at it from the point of view of a diabetic. What the hell do you mean by a "normal" life?
I don't see "normal" people having to check their blood sugar a minimum of four times a day. I don't see "normal" people having to take six shots a day. I don't see "normal" people having to severely restrict their diet in order to avoid high blood sugar, serious complications, and death. I don't see "normal" people suffering severe lows or highs and the frightening effects they bring with them.
So, no, a diabetic can not live a normal life.
If you're talking about normal as in I can grow up to be whatever I want...that's not even true...a diabetic can not grow up to be a non-diabetic. That was my dream, "when I grow up I want to not have diabetes anymore". I also wanted to join the army/navy/air force/marines but they wouldn't take me because I was diabetic. Not even for a desk job.
If I had only been told the truth as a child....
When I was younger I struggled with feelings of being different, of being not normal. So of course the adults around me comforted me by saying I could still grow up and live a perfectly normal life as long as I took my shots and checked my blood sugar and kept it in line. I could eat like a normal person as long as I bolused properly.
I don't know ANY diabetic that this works for! Taking huge amounts of insulin in order to be able to eat "normally" is just killing us all. We can't eat like "normal" people, we must live by a different diet.
If I had been told the truth instead of having my future made to seem less "not normal". I think I would have had an easier time of it. Instead I became an adult and the harsh reality of never being "normal" hit me like a ton of bricks and sent me into a deep spiral of depression and anger. And any hope of me actually trying to take proper care of myself flew out the window and it took nearly dieing of heart failure at 34 years old to send me crashing into the realization that I need to change my life and stop trying to be something I can never be.
Normal.
It is true that a diabetic can be happy, fulfilled, and live a long, healthy life. But I wish doctors, other diabetics, organizations, etc., would stop sugar-coating it. We are bombarded with the idea that we can just go about our lives as if nothing is different for us. So many diabetics I know (including myself until recently) are so dead set on being "normal" and especially with being able to eat "normally" that we are just pushing ourselves into an early grave preceded by years of diabetic complications. It doesn't help that there is so much misinformation out there about what is "healthy" for a diabetic; but I won't go into that highly controversial end of this subject.
If you truly want to be a healthy diabetic and avoid complications of diabetes then you need to face the fact that you need to be on top of your diet, medication, glucose monitoring, and all other aspects of care, ALL THE TIME. No breaks, no vacations.
Face the fact that we shouldn't eat like "normal" people. Our bodies are different, our condition requires us to live differently. This doesn't make us less human. Diabetes is not easy to control and the fact that we are not normal people means it is not logical to insist on living like "normal" people. We can be healthy and happy just like anyone, but we have to face the fact that we must do certain things differently. This doesn't diminish us or our lives or happiness, we just need to do things with more thought and care (and work) than other people.
So there is no living like a "normal" person. Normal for us is diabetic.
I've been raving about how good things have been going for me lately. After many years of nothing but bad things happening, I finally had hit a good patch and everything was coming up roses. Well, of course as soon as I let my guard down and give in to the goodness and let myself feel good and happy, it all comes crashing down around me.
After nearly eight years of not being able to see an endocrinologist, and over a year of actually trying and fighting to see an endocrinologist, I finally got an appointment. I was so happy, relieved, and excited to see this doctor after so long without care. I had a month long blood sugar profile ready to hand over, I was eager to request a CGM, I was eager to talk to someone who knew my condition and could help me to better care for my diabetes. I was ready.
I went to the doctor's office this morning, I signed in and sat to wait for my appointment. After 45 minutes of waiting, the desk person called me up. I thought she was just going to ask about my new address or something; nope, she informed me that the endocrinologist doesn't accept my insurance...
This particular office isn't his, he only comes here once a month to help out. If I want to see him and have my insurance accepted, I have to travel to his private office, in Hanford! That's like a half hour drive from me and in a direction I rarely go. I don't have a valid driver license (diabetic retinopathy), I rely on rides from others. I'm screwed.
So, I didn't get to see the endocrinologist. I need to search for another in my area and get my primary to send in a referral...and wait god knows how much longer. I'm sobbing as I type this. I'm so fed up with insurance and rules and everything working against us diabetics! Why can't we get help even from those who are supposed to be here to help us?!
As if that wasn't enough to ruin my day, I headed over to the pharmacy to refill my test strips and lancets. What do you think I ran into when I got there? My primary, who gave me the prescription for test strips, put on the order to test once...ONCE... a day. So the pharmacy refused to fill my request because "It's too early". I test no less than four times a day! I need my strips...NOW!
So I have to call my doctor's office on Monday and have him correct the order so I can actually do what I need to to stay healthy.
This all makes me want to give up and head on over to the Italian restaurant down the street and fill up on bread, pasta, and calzone!
Of course I may not do that, because no matter how insurance, doctor's, and prescription regulations work, I can still, for the most part, take care of myself! I just need to cool off, gather my self control, and not give up!
Whatever, you normal people keeping your insulin in your pancreas. I keep mine in the butter compartment! I am so awesome that I don't need to make my own insulin! I can be alive, healthy, and outdo any of you so called "healthy" people any day. Psh, who needs a working pancreas; not me!
I'm so strong that I can have a disease and still live a normal life. I'm ALL that! I was taking my own shots and pricking my own fingers at nine years old. Nothing hurts me! Nothing can bring me down. I am invincible. I bleed on purpose at least four times a day, and I don't flinch one bit.
I'm so smart that I often know more about diabetes than nurses and doctors!
I can school you on foods and nutrition!
What? You broke a bone? Let me tell you how it feels to have heart failure, neuropathy, eye surgery without a nerve block...
So you complain that you had to get a flu shot...I take six shots...EVERY DAY.
I'm so brave, I go everyday playing a roulette game with my blood sugar. Will it go too low? Will it go too high? Can I keep it normal? Will I wake up in the morning or will I be in a diabetic coma? Who knows!
I'm so badass I live off of vegetables! I'm so awesome I shun junk food and it doesn't phase me. I'm not one of you pansies who's addicted to carbs. "Oh, my, I would just die if I couldn't have my doughnut every morning.". "I just can't imagine never having mashed potatoes ever again." Ha! It's so easy for me!
I'm the greatest superhero! I fight death and destruction everyday! There is a war going on inside my body and it's up to me and only me to fight it. If I slack just one tiny bit, the evil bad guy, Diabetes, will get the upper hand and could kill or maim me in the blink of an eye.
I am tireless, I am enduring, I am steadfast. I have to be because diabetes is chronic, diabetes is forever, diabetes is destructive. And if I give up, it will be the end of me.
Don't ever think that I am sick. Don't ever think that I am weak. Don't ever tell me not to take some time to cry out the frustration and exhaustion from fighting this never ending battle. Don't ever think I am playing it up. For every struggle you do know about, there are a million more that I don't show.
I am strong! I am forever fighting. I am brave! I am diabetic.
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