I have written in the past about my ongoing troubles with GERD. For those of you who don't want to travel back through my previous posts, I have GERD and up until today, I thought all of my pain was attributed to this terribly uncomfortable heartburn problem. I was wrong...well, not all wrong, I did suspect that there was possibly something else. About that, I was right.
My primary care doctor, a few weeks ago, sent me to a GI specialist to try to figure out why my heartburn was not being successfully controlled by medication and diet. The GI specialist ordered an endoscopy. Let me go off track here for a moment and tell you the wonderful story of how the endoscopy went. They give you an IV and through that they give you nice drugs that relax you and help you doze off a bit. My IV either punctured through the vein or was not in it at all. All those wonderful drugs filled a nice lump in my arm, NOT getting into my bloodstream and therefore NOT making me relax or sleepy. Needless to say, I felt every moment and millimeter of the endoscopy. Not a comfortable experience, but not terribly painful. Thank goodness it only lasts a few minutes. After the endoscopy was done, I would say about 30 minutes to an hour later, the drugs finally hit me and I slept like a baby for several hours.
OK, back to the story at hand. The GI specialist, after hearing me explain that I don't get heartburn from foods, or when resting, and not too often when lying down anymore; but I do get it real bad whenever I try to engage in any physical activity, with no relief from medication, suspected I might have a heart problem in addition to the GERD. He referred me to a cardiologist.
The cardiologist checked me out, did an EKG and a stress test with ultrasound and found an abnormality, "a narrowing". So, now I get to go in and have an angiogram to find out the extent of this issue.
At least I know what the source of the pain is now and can move forward to get it resolved.
If you'll excuse me, I need to go shave my groin now.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Hypersensitivity, No Bueno.
I have a lot of friends these days, and even though they all have had their moments of causing me heartache and anger, I love them all and consider my life a million times better with them in it.
This wasn't the fact just a few years ago. From childhood until about six or so years ago, I was what you could consider a loner. I had few friends and kept everyone at arms length or further. Why? It wasn't because I was shy, I have never been shy. It was because I was hypersensitive. I took everything to heart, I personalized everything that was said or done, whether it was about me or not. I spent all of my time afraid that I was going to get hurt, or letting myself be hurt or angered. And there was no reason to feel the way I did, I was just being too sensitive.
This hypersensitivity was costing me potentially great friendships and experiences. Not to mention how unhappy I was because I took every little thing to heart. I eventually realized this and began to work to improve my outlook and how I viewed and understood people. Not everything that is said or done is aimed at me. Not everything that is aimed at me is meant to hurt or anger. It took a bit of time to change; every time I found myself becoming upset with something someone said or did, I stopped and thought to myself "Think about it, are they really attacking me, or am I just viewing it that way?". Over time my emotional and mental processes changed and I found that I was much more relaxed around people. I actually love, and look forward to, hanging out with friends and meeting new people. I am not easily hurt or angered anymore and life is good!
Yes, people can be cruel. But most of the time, I have learned, they aren't intending to hurt or anger. Depending on the person and the circumstances, most of the time they are just trying to kid, have a little fun, or state their disagreement with me. Most of the time they are just conversing and nothing more! Very rarely are they aiming to hurt, anger, or embarrass me.
Life is a lot easier and happier now that I have learned to not let every little thing get to me. I have stopped personalizing, and being hypersensitive. I am happy and I have friends I can joke with and take jokes from without getting all upset for no good reason.
I have my husband and many friends to thank for this lesson. :)
This wasn't the fact just a few years ago. From childhood until about six or so years ago, I was what you could consider a loner. I had few friends and kept everyone at arms length or further. Why? It wasn't because I was shy, I have never been shy. It was because I was hypersensitive. I took everything to heart, I personalized everything that was said or done, whether it was about me or not. I spent all of my time afraid that I was going to get hurt, or letting myself be hurt or angered. And there was no reason to feel the way I did, I was just being too sensitive.
This hypersensitivity was costing me potentially great friendships and experiences. Not to mention how unhappy I was because I took every little thing to heart. I eventually realized this and began to work to improve my outlook and how I viewed and understood people. Not everything that is said or done is aimed at me. Not everything that is aimed at me is meant to hurt or anger. It took a bit of time to change; every time I found myself becoming upset with something someone said or did, I stopped and thought to myself "Think about it, are they really attacking me, or am I just viewing it that way?". Over time my emotional and mental processes changed and I found that I was much more relaxed around people. I actually love, and look forward to, hanging out with friends and meeting new people. I am not easily hurt or angered anymore and life is good!
Yes, people can be cruel. But most of the time, I have learned, they aren't intending to hurt or anger. Depending on the person and the circumstances, most of the time they are just trying to kid, have a little fun, or state their disagreement with me. Most of the time they are just conversing and nothing more! Very rarely are they aiming to hurt, anger, or embarrass me.
Life is a lot easier and happier now that I have learned to not let every little thing get to me. I have stopped personalizing, and being hypersensitive. I am happy and I have friends I can joke with and take jokes from without getting all upset for no good reason.
I have my husband and many friends to thank for this lesson. :)
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Is There a Bottom? 'Cause I Want to Stop Falling and Hit Something.
I have been depressed before, several times in my life, each caused by some horrible bad event(s). But this bout is a new depth of despair I have never experienced before. The feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness, are so powerful and overwhelming they bring me to such a drained and exhausted point that all I can do is sit around like a zombie or sleep for ungodly amounts of time only to wake up to physical pain and fresh feelings of worthlessness. I find myself overwhelmed with stress, anxiety, fear, and sorrow to the point of bursting into uncontrollable sobs. I just want to shut down.
I know what the causes of this depression are. I am having to deal with constant rejection to job applications. It's not just the pain of rejection but the knowledge that if I can't get a job very soon we will be suffering big time financially. On top of the financial stress and the constant rejection, I have serious health problems that keep me sedentary and in chronic pain. Just imagine not being able to do even the most common of physical activities without severe pain, and being forced to sit on your ass all day, everyday. It may sound appealing to some, but for me, someone who actually likes and craves physical activity, it is torture. Not to mention the feelings of worthlessness that come with it. I can't do anything to be a productive member of my household!
There are so many side effects to all of these problems that I can't cover them all. I can, however,say that they are all bad and just feed my depression.
I know what will fix this problem. If I could get a job I would feel so much better. But if I get a job it would cause me to be in severe and constant pain because of my health problems. So somehow I need to cure my health problems and get a job, then all would be right with the world. What are the odds of that happening? I've been seeing a doctor to try and fix my health, but it has been very slow going and there is no immediate fix in the near future, so I'm screwed if I land a job within the next week or two (this is how soon I need it). On top of all this shit, I don't qualify for disability help because, according to the government, my illnesses shouldn't effect my ability to work. Not that I want to have to rely on anyone for financial help, I would much rather be able to work, but how well do you think you would be able to do your job if the physical part of it caused you to constantly feel like you were having a heart attack?
I just don't see an end in sight. This has been going on for years and I am tired, tired of trying, tired of constantly working for something better that never comes. With every little bit of good comes a ton of shit. It has trained me to never allow myself to fall for happy things, because behind every happy thing is a black hole of sorrow. I can't remember a time when I didn't have to worry. I can't remember a time when my hard work paid off. I can't remember a time when disaster wasn't waiting just around the next corner. I can't remember a time when I had a shoulder to cry on without being made to feel guilty or worse.
I know what the causes of this depression are. I am having to deal with constant rejection to job applications. It's not just the pain of rejection but the knowledge that if I can't get a job very soon we will be suffering big time financially. On top of the financial stress and the constant rejection, I have serious health problems that keep me sedentary and in chronic pain. Just imagine not being able to do even the most common of physical activities without severe pain, and being forced to sit on your ass all day, everyday. It may sound appealing to some, but for me, someone who actually likes and craves physical activity, it is torture. Not to mention the feelings of worthlessness that come with it. I can't do anything to be a productive member of my household!
There are so many side effects to all of these problems that I can't cover them all. I can, however,say that they are all bad and just feed my depression.
I know what will fix this problem. If I could get a job I would feel so much better. But if I get a job it would cause me to be in severe and constant pain because of my health problems. So somehow I need to cure my health problems and get a job, then all would be right with the world. What are the odds of that happening? I've been seeing a doctor to try and fix my health, but it has been very slow going and there is no immediate fix in the near future, so I'm screwed if I land a job within the next week or two (this is how soon I need it). On top of all this shit, I don't qualify for disability help because, according to the government, my illnesses shouldn't effect my ability to work. Not that I want to have to rely on anyone for financial help, I would much rather be able to work, but how well do you think you would be able to do your job if the physical part of it caused you to constantly feel like you were having a heart attack?
I just don't see an end in sight. This has been going on for years and I am tired, tired of trying, tired of constantly working for something better that never comes. With every little bit of good comes a ton of shit. It has trained me to never allow myself to fall for happy things, because behind every happy thing is a black hole of sorrow. I can't remember a time when I didn't have to worry. I can't remember a time when my hard work paid off. I can't remember a time when disaster wasn't waiting just around the next corner. I can't remember a time when I had a shoulder to cry on without being made to feel guilty or worse.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Post Apocalyptic Dreams Are the Best!
I had a very lucid and vivid dream last night, here's how it went down.
In a post apocalyptic world, the few humans still alive find themselves in constant battle with both zombies and an alien race. Many humans live in small communities behind fortified walls, hidden from their enemies. In one such town, the only people to venture beyond the walls are well trained in combat. One of these groups has just headed out on a mission to find food and other much needed supplies.
The group of five- two women and three men- head for a city they have not searched before. The city is over twenty miles from camp and it will be a dangerous and long trip to get there, but there is no where else to look, all the usual closer places are all tapped out.
The group surprisingly encounters very little trouble on the way to the new city, a few zombies - easily taken down- and no aliens. When they arrive at the city it is obvious that it has been nearly completely decimated, only a handful of buildings are left standing, and even they are in bad shape. The group heads in and gets to work searching the rubble for useful supplies.
While searching, they encounter many zombies and take them all down without much trouble. The group finds a good stash of canned foods; fruit, mixed vegetables, chili, and refried beans. They also find a nurses station at a high school that still has some basic first aid supplies that haven't been raided.
On their way out, they encounter a lone alien. It is a huge one, extremely strong, agile, and carrying a gun and sword. The group has some trouble taking down the alien, they put up a long, exhausting fight and are finally able to kill the monster. They sustain minor injuries and lose a member of the group, one of the women.
The survivors head back to their vehicle but the loud fight has attracted more zombies and they have to hurry away or else waste more time fighting and risk attracting even more enemies. The one woman left in the group stumbles across a litter of puppies. The first thing she thinks is that they could make a hearty meal, but then she notices they are starving and weak. Their mother must have been killed or taken some time ago. She gathers up the four puppies and quickly heeds her team mates calls to get her butt in the car.
On the way back to camp the woman examines the puppies more closely and deduces that they must be husky mixes. They will need to be nursed back to health and raised to adult hood before they can be eaten. One of the puppies dies before they make it back to camp.
The woman spends some time raising the surviving three puppies and ends up falling in love with them. Instead of turning them into meals, she trains them to be warrior dogs and takes them on missions where they prove to be invaluable fighters and search dogs (they can sniff out food and munitions). She gives one of the puppies to a young woman in camp who shows potential for becoming a battler, and she gives a puppy to one of her teammates, the husband of the woman they lost the day they found the puppies. She keeps one pup for herself.
In a post apocalyptic world, the few humans still alive find themselves in constant battle with both zombies and an alien race. Many humans live in small communities behind fortified walls, hidden from their enemies. In one such town, the only people to venture beyond the walls are well trained in combat. One of these groups has just headed out on a mission to find food and other much needed supplies.
The group of five- two women and three men- head for a city they have not searched before. The city is over twenty miles from camp and it will be a dangerous and long trip to get there, but there is no where else to look, all the usual closer places are all tapped out.
The group surprisingly encounters very little trouble on the way to the new city, a few zombies - easily taken down- and no aliens. When they arrive at the city it is obvious that it has been nearly completely decimated, only a handful of buildings are left standing, and even they are in bad shape. The group heads in and gets to work searching the rubble for useful supplies.
While searching, they encounter many zombies and take them all down without much trouble. The group finds a good stash of canned foods; fruit, mixed vegetables, chili, and refried beans. They also find a nurses station at a high school that still has some basic first aid supplies that haven't been raided.
On their way out, they encounter a lone alien. It is a huge one, extremely strong, agile, and carrying a gun and sword. The group has some trouble taking down the alien, they put up a long, exhausting fight and are finally able to kill the monster. They sustain minor injuries and lose a member of the group, one of the women.
The survivors head back to their vehicle but the loud fight has attracted more zombies and they have to hurry away or else waste more time fighting and risk attracting even more enemies. The one woman left in the group stumbles across a litter of puppies. The first thing she thinks is that they could make a hearty meal, but then she notices they are starving and weak. Their mother must have been killed or taken some time ago. She gathers up the four puppies and quickly heeds her team mates calls to get her butt in the car.
On the way back to camp the woman examines the puppies more closely and deduces that they must be husky mixes. They will need to be nursed back to health and raised to adult hood before they can be eaten. One of the puppies dies before they make it back to camp.
The woman spends some time raising the surviving three puppies and ends up falling in love with them. Instead of turning them into meals, she trains them to be warrior dogs and takes them on missions where they prove to be invaluable fighters and search dogs (they can sniff out food and munitions). She gives one of the puppies to a young woman in camp who shows potential for becoming a battler, and she gives a puppy to one of her teammates, the husband of the woman they lost the day they found the puppies. She keeps one pup for herself.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Yes, it's broken, but don't try to fix it!
Why is it that the people you most want to talk to, the ones you want to confide in, are always the most difficult to? They just don't care to listen, and they tend to just make you feel worse than you did before you opened up to them.
Like most people, I don't find it easy to talk to anyone. The one person I want to confide in just doesn't care.
Let me give you some general advise about "dealing" with a depressed, sad, stressed out, worried, or angry woman. This is how MOST, not all, women are.
1. Never ignore her or turn her away. You'll only make her louder and more upset, and now, if she wasn't before, she will blame you for making it worse than it was.
2.Address her emotional state first and foremost. Acknowledge in a caring manner that she is upset (sad, angry, worried, etc.) but don't try to fix it, at least not unless she asks you to. Just letting her know you understand how she feels should be enough to start to calm her. Obviously, we all know women are profoundly emotional so isn't it just as obvious that we need to address that first? Dealing with her feelings first will help to get them off her mind so she can think clearly.
3 Once the emotions are addressed and understood then you can move on to the root problem(s). Saying something caring but neutral like, "What happened?" Or, "Tell me about it." Will let her know that you care and are interested. Don't try to fix it! unless she asks you to. Just listen. Make sure she has your full and undivided attention. If you wander, she will pick up on it and you will not hear the end of it.
Side note: If a woman is pissed at you, please understand, what is masked by anger is really a broken heart. You did something that made her feel one or all of the following: Unloved, ugly, unwanted, unimportant. For instance, if she is trying to confide in you and you don't listen, it makes her feel unloved and unimportant to you. You might as well be telling her "You are worthless to me and I don't love you."
4. Never under any circumstances should you say things like, "I told you...", "What now.", or "What did I do?" Or anything that will provoke anger or heartache or an argument. Really, just shut the fuck up and listen. It will end faster that way. She just wants you to listen to her troubles, she just wants someone to care about her. DO NOT TRY TO FIX IT! If you just listen to what she says and acknowledge her emotions, she will usually "fix it" herself. You are her sounding board, not her hero.
5.Keep your mouth shut until she asks you something. When she asks you something, and she will (this is why you should have been listening all along), only answer the question and nothing more. If it is an open ended question like, "What do you think?" then, I'm sorry, you're on your own there because the answer depends on so many factors. All I can say is to be as kind, loving, honest, and un-provoking as possible. Don't try to fix it! unless she specifically asks you to. "What do you think?" does not mean "What should I do?" or "Fix it for me." It simply means "What do you think of the situation overall, what is your personal opinion?" not, "How would you deal with it?" Do you understand the difference?
P.S.: Why do I keep saying not to try to fix it? Because the whole point for a woman to confide in you is to have someone to let her know she is loved and important in some way. It is natural for a man to feel like he should fix his woman's problems and be her hero because that is how most men are raised. But if you try to address the problem then, in the woman's eyes, you are ignoring her. You see, she came to you primarily because of her emotional issues, not because she has a problem she needs fixed. She just wants you to help her feel better by acknowledging her feelings and listening to her bitch.
It is amazing how different men and women are, and it is no surprise that we clash so much. I am quite aware that women are screwed up naturally, but this is how we are and it ain't gonna change any time soon.
Like most people, I don't find it easy to talk to anyone. The one person I want to confide in just doesn't care.
Let me give you some general advise about "dealing" with a depressed, sad, stressed out, worried, or angry woman. This is how MOST, not all, women are.
1. Never ignore her or turn her away. You'll only make her louder and more upset, and now, if she wasn't before, she will blame you for making it worse than it was.
2.Address her emotional state first and foremost. Acknowledge in a caring manner that she is upset (sad, angry, worried, etc.) but don't try to fix it, at least not unless she asks you to. Just letting her know you understand how she feels should be enough to start to calm her. Obviously, we all know women are profoundly emotional so isn't it just as obvious that we need to address that first? Dealing with her feelings first will help to get them off her mind so she can think clearly.
3 Once the emotions are addressed and understood then you can move on to the root problem(s). Saying something caring but neutral like, "What happened?" Or, "Tell me about it." Will let her know that you care and are interested. Don't try to fix it! unless she asks you to. Just listen. Make sure she has your full and undivided attention. If you wander, she will pick up on it and you will not hear the end of it.
Side note: If a woman is pissed at you, please understand, what is masked by anger is really a broken heart. You did something that made her feel one or all of the following: Unloved, ugly, unwanted, unimportant. For instance, if she is trying to confide in you and you don't listen, it makes her feel unloved and unimportant to you. You might as well be telling her "You are worthless to me and I don't love you."
4. Never under any circumstances should you say things like, "I told you...", "What now.", or "What did I do?" Or anything that will provoke anger or heartache or an argument. Really, just shut the fuck up and listen. It will end faster that way. She just wants you to listen to her troubles, she just wants someone to care about her. DO NOT TRY TO FIX IT! If you just listen to what she says and acknowledge her emotions, she will usually "fix it" herself. You are her sounding board, not her hero.
5.Keep your mouth shut until she asks you something. When she asks you something, and she will (this is why you should have been listening all along), only answer the question and nothing more. If it is an open ended question like, "What do you think?" then, I'm sorry, you're on your own there because the answer depends on so many factors. All I can say is to be as kind, loving, honest, and un-provoking as possible. Don't try to fix it! unless she specifically asks you to. "What do you think?" does not mean "What should I do?" or "Fix it for me." It simply means "What do you think of the situation overall, what is your personal opinion?" not, "How would you deal with it?" Do you understand the difference?
P.S.: Why do I keep saying not to try to fix it? Because the whole point for a woman to confide in you is to have someone to let her know she is loved and important in some way. It is natural for a man to feel like he should fix his woman's problems and be her hero because that is how most men are raised. But if you try to address the problem then, in the woman's eyes, you are ignoring her. You see, she came to you primarily because of her emotional issues, not because she has a problem she needs fixed. She just wants you to help her feel better by acknowledging her feelings and listening to her bitch.
It is amazing how different men and women are, and it is no surprise that we clash so much. I am quite aware that women are screwed up naturally, but this is how we are and it ain't gonna change any time soon.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Stephen Colbert is evil? But I love him!
So, I had this weird dream last night:
I was excited to watch a Rodney Dangerfield tribute special where other actors and personalities were going to roast him in between a marathon of his movies. Stephen Colbert was one of the people roasting Mr. Dangerfield, and he was hilarious. Colbert made funny quips about Dangerfield's life and acting and even did spot-on impersonations of him. Then something weird happened (this is a dream, of course something weird happens), Colbert got a phone call on live T.V. from his producer telling him he had to tone it down because he was outshining everyone else. Colbert used his comedic talent to proceed with having the most hilarious argument with his producer. The producer just went along with it and proved to be just as funny as Colbert.
This is where things got real strange. Colbert and his producer's argument devolved from an argument about talent and skill to an argument about who was the better comedian. "Well, I was an evil Goonie, too!" The producer yelled over the phone. (I know, it makes no sense, but this is a dream, remember?).
The room turned dark as Colbert let out an evil, cynical laugh and stood up. His eyes illuminated even though they were black. Wind blew around the studio as Colbert's laugh boomed with a likeness to thunder.
Lightening struck not three feet from Colbert; four strikes. Four teen-aged kids appeared before the man, all wearing similar uniforms; black, green, and brown military style outfits. No weapons could be seen. They wore no hats or helmets.
"You will not be allowed to ruin American lives anymore, evildoer!" One of the kids shouted.
"Let's take this discussion somewhere more private, shall we?" Colbert brought both of his hands before him and suddenly he and the kids were no longer in the studio but on a boat in the middle of an ocean.
A look to the side revealed that they were a few miles out from the Statue of Liberty.
Before any of the kids could say or do anything, Colbert used his power to levitate one of the kids and throw him overboard. He landed in the water with a hard splash but was able to come up quickly and tread water.
The others watched but did not take Colbert's bait to rescue their friend...until their friend began to scream out in pain. The kids looked to Colbert quizzically. He smirked and folded his arms across his chest.
"What's going on?" One kid yelled.
Under the water, two small octopuses attached themselves to the leg of the boy and drilled themselves inside his leg, and then burst out. The boy had screamed in agony as his leg was demolished from the knee down.
"Help him!" Another kid screamed and the three teammates tried to bring him out of the water.
Before anything could be done, another octopus swam up from the depths in front of the injured boy. This one was as big as the boy and it swallowed him whole. The other kids watched in silent horror as their friend was devoured.
The octopus then tripled in size and went after the boat. The kids screamed in terror. Stephen Colbert could be heard laughing as he escaped, unharmed.
I was excited to watch a Rodney Dangerfield tribute special where other actors and personalities were going to roast him in between a marathon of his movies. Stephen Colbert was one of the people roasting Mr. Dangerfield, and he was hilarious. Colbert made funny quips about Dangerfield's life and acting and even did spot-on impersonations of him. Then something weird happened (this is a dream, of course something weird happens), Colbert got a phone call on live T.V. from his producer telling him he had to tone it down because he was outshining everyone else. Colbert used his comedic talent to proceed with having the most hilarious argument with his producer. The producer just went along with it and proved to be just as funny as Colbert.
This is where things got real strange. Colbert and his producer's argument devolved from an argument about talent and skill to an argument about who was the better comedian. "Well, I was an evil Goonie, too!" The producer yelled over the phone. (I know, it makes no sense, but this is a dream, remember?).
The room turned dark as Colbert let out an evil, cynical laugh and stood up. His eyes illuminated even though they were black. Wind blew around the studio as Colbert's laugh boomed with a likeness to thunder.
Lightening struck not three feet from Colbert; four strikes. Four teen-aged kids appeared before the man, all wearing similar uniforms; black, green, and brown military style outfits. No weapons could be seen. They wore no hats or helmets.
"You will not be allowed to ruin American lives anymore, evildoer!" One of the kids shouted.
"Let's take this discussion somewhere more private, shall we?" Colbert brought both of his hands before him and suddenly he and the kids were no longer in the studio but on a boat in the middle of an ocean.
A look to the side revealed that they were a few miles out from the Statue of Liberty.
Before any of the kids could say or do anything, Colbert used his power to levitate one of the kids and throw him overboard. He landed in the water with a hard splash but was able to come up quickly and tread water.
The others watched but did not take Colbert's bait to rescue their friend...until their friend began to scream out in pain. The kids looked to Colbert quizzically. He smirked and folded his arms across his chest.
"What's going on?" One kid yelled.
Under the water, two small octopuses attached themselves to the leg of the boy and drilled themselves inside his leg, and then burst out. The boy had screamed in agony as his leg was demolished from the knee down.
"Help him!" Another kid screamed and the three teammates tried to bring him out of the water.
Before anything could be done, another octopus swam up from the depths in front of the injured boy. This one was as big as the boy and it swallowed him whole. The other kids watched in silent horror as their friend was devoured.
The octopus then tripled in size and went after the boat. The kids screamed in terror. Stephen Colbert could be heard laughing as he escaped, unharmed.
Friday, June 7, 2013
What Else Have I Misjudged?
Friends come and go, it's just a fact of life. Some come, make a lasting mark for better or worse, and then leave never to be seen again; others come, make a difference, and stay. I have always strived to be a good friend to all who come into my life, it is of immense importance to me to always be the best friend I can, I'm not perfect but I try hard to be there for my friends. Some people make it really hard, though.
I have relearned a valuable lesson over the last few months. This is a lesson I learned nearly fifteen years ago and I guess I didn't hold onto that knowledge; that, or I'm just a sucker for punishment. People will use you, people will abuse you if you let them. Human beings are masters at trickery, they will pretend to be a good friend only to get what they want and then leave you with a broken heart and jaded soul.
I know I sound very angry and heartbroken, but it's not that bad. I expected all these things that have happened to happen, it was no surprise, it just seems so sad that people I care so much about don't care in return. I've been sick and because of my health issues I have had to back off from the normal fun that I used to enjoy with my friends. Also, certain factors have made my husband and myself need to back off from hosting so many of our friend gatherings, causing more of a distancing. There are other things that have contributed but I do not wish to voice them here in public.
This was all made worse when a friend in the group was brutally, verbally, ganged up on and attacked in public by other friends in the group. No one here is totally innocent; but to gang up on, bully, and publicly embarrass and crush someone, especially someone who is already down, is completely unacceptable and down right despicable.
I know this is kind of hard to follow since I am not giving many details but the point is that I have made a huge misjudgemnet, people I thought were more or less good, have proven to be the lowest of low.
I have no intention of writing anyone off; in my book once you are a friend you always will be a friend of mine. But because of what has been happening over the last few months I don't think I can be the same friend I always strove to be.
No loss to them though, I guess, they never thought much of me to begin with.
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I have relearned a valuable lesson over the last few months. This is a lesson I learned nearly fifteen years ago and I guess I didn't hold onto that knowledge; that, or I'm just a sucker for punishment. People will use you, people will abuse you if you let them. Human beings are masters at trickery, they will pretend to be a good friend only to get what they want and then leave you with a broken heart and jaded soul.
I know I sound very angry and heartbroken, but it's not that bad. I expected all these things that have happened to happen, it was no surprise, it just seems so sad that people I care so much about don't care in return. I've been sick and because of my health issues I have had to back off from the normal fun that I used to enjoy with my friends. Also, certain factors have made my husband and myself need to back off from hosting so many of our friend gatherings, causing more of a distancing. There are other things that have contributed but I do not wish to voice them here in public.
This was all made worse when a friend in the group was brutally, verbally, ganged up on and attacked in public by other friends in the group. No one here is totally innocent; but to gang up on, bully, and publicly embarrass and crush someone, especially someone who is already down, is completely unacceptable and down right despicable.
I know this is kind of hard to follow since I am not giving many details but the point is that I have made a huge misjudgemnet, people I thought were more or less good, have proven to be the lowest of low.
I have no intention of writing anyone off; in my book once you are a friend you always will be a friend of mine. But because of what has been happening over the last few months I don't think I can be the same friend I always strove to be.
No loss to them though, I guess, they never thought much of me to begin with.
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