Type I Diabetes, diabetic retinopathy, coronary artery disease, acid reflux, frozen shoulder syndrome, staph infection, poor leg circulation. these are the health issues I deal with daily. Usually I take it all in stride and find some release by talking it out via this blog and Facebook. But sometimes the constant pain and the constant "time for more medicine", the constant vigilance, and constant doctors visits to only be told I need yet more treatment and/or surgery, and the constant realization that I am only half as capable and independent as I used to be...sometimes it all just wears me down.
I had a third surgery on my right eye back in June. From that day on I was sleeping a lot, it seems that no matter how much sleep I get and what I do in my waking hours, I always end up taking a nap or two during the day. And I mean real naps...like one to three hour naps. As my eye healed and I felt much better, you would think the tiredness and naps would end. You see, I am not a napper by nature, I loath naps, I dispise them. The only time I ever take naps is if I am ill (or healing from surgery).
I told myself it was the healing process. I told myself it was because I didn't sleep well at night because of my pained frozen shoulder. I told myself a lot of things.
Then the other night I was in bed thinking I shouldn't be so tired because I had taken a three hour nap earlier that day. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was so obvious that I couldn't believe I had missed it until now.
I am depressed.
I mope around the house all day, take naps, feel pain no matter what I do, look at the world through one good eye, no matter how hard I try..everytime I fix a health issue something else falls apart. I've lost my driver liscence and can't walk far because of leg pain (poor circulation), I can't work because of the surgeries (healing from them) therefore we are down my portion of the income....
It is understandable to experience depression under such circumstances, and now that I have realized I am depressed, I can work to come out of it.
But first, a nap...
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Abscess Upset
*As usual, the following is written from my memory of the events. Some
things may be inaccurate due to faulty memories. In any case, this is
how I remember it:
Being type I diabetic, it is ritual to check my entire body every evening for any concerning things such as sores, cuts, discoloration, rashes, etc. really, anything that can grow into infection and turn my world upside down. You see, diabetics, especially unhealthy ones like myself, are at much higher risk for illness and infection, so it is a very good habit for us to thoroughly check our bodies every day.
One day, July 3, 2014, I found a red mark on the back of my left thigh, just above my knee. It was just a red mark, no bump or lump, no pain or itching or anything like that. Just a red mark, so I didn't think much of it but made a mental note to keep an eye on it.
About twelve hours later, when I woke up the next morning, I felt immediately that the red mark had developed into a bump. It looked now like a pimple with a dark scab on top and surrounded by red skin. It hurt a bit as well. I thought to myself that it might be an ingrown hair. I have had many an ingrown hair so I treated this the same way I treat all ingrown hairs, I pinched off the scab and squeezed the "pimple". Nothing came out, no puss, no clear fluid, no blood. It was dry. I cleaned it and left it alone for the next 24 hours.
The next day the red area had grown, and so had the pain and swelling. I am so very bogged down with health issues that this just didn't sit well with me. I really don't need or want yet more health problems, so what did I do? I ignored it and told myself it would run it's course and go away on its own.
Over the next couple of days it ran it's course alright. It grew, became more red, more swollen, more painful, and eventually warm to the touch. I showed it to my mom and some other friends and family because, you know, I just like to gross people out...and get their opinion. I got many a different reply, bug bite, ingrown hair, abscess, infection, etc. And, of course, all of them told me to go to the doctor.
Finally, one week after I first noticed the red spot, I gave in to common sense and realized there was no getting out of seeing the doctor for yet another health issue.
At the doctor's office it was the normal routine: register, weight, height, blood-pressure (117/83), pulse, temp., "when was your last menstrual period?", etc. Then see the doctor. She told me the sore looked like a bug bite that had become abscessed. When I admitted to trying to pop it, she said that was what caused the abscess.
I am on blood-thinners because of heart surgery so she didn't want to lance the abscess. Instead she opted to put me on a double-dose of bactrim and reassess me in a week.
Being diabetic is hard game. Never put off going to the doctor just because you are unsure if you really need medical attention or not. Any good doctor will understand that a diabetic needs to be extra careful and vigilant. Better safe than sorry, right?
Being type I diabetic, it is ritual to check my entire body every evening for any concerning things such as sores, cuts, discoloration, rashes, etc. really, anything that can grow into infection and turn my world upside down. You see, diabetics, especially unhealthy ones like myself, are at much higher risk for illness and infection, so it is a very good habit for us to thoroughly check our bodies every day.
One day, July 3, 2014, I found a red mark on the back of my left thigh, just above my knee. It was just a red mark, no bump or lump, no pain or itching or anything like that. Just a red mark, so I didn't think much of it but made a mental note to keep an eye on it.
About twelve hours later, when I woke up the next morning, I felt immediately that the red mark had developed into a bump. It looked now like a pimple with a dark scab on top and surrounded by red skin. It hurt a bit as well. I thought to myself that it might be an ingrown hair. I have had many an ingrown hair so I treated this the same way I treat all ingrown hairs, I pinched off the scab and squeezed the "pimple". Nothing came out, no puss, no clear fluid, no blood. It was dry. I cleaned it and left it alone for the next 24 hours.
The next day the red area had grown, and so had the pain and swelling. I am so very bogged down with health issues that this just didn't sit well with me. I really don't need or want yet more health problems, so what did I do? I ignored it and told myself it would run it's course and go away on its own.
Over the next couple of days it ran it's course alright. It grew, became more red, more swollen, more painful, and eventually warm to the touch. I showed it to my mom and some other friends and family because, you know, I just like to gross people out...and get their opinion. I got many a different reply, bug bite, ingrown hair, abscess, infection, etc. And, of course, all of them told me to go to the doctor.
Finally, one week after I first noticed the red spot, I gave in to common sense and realized there was no getting out of seeing the doctor for yet another health issue.
At the doctor's office it was the normal routine: register, weight, height, blood-pressure (117/83), pulse, temp., "when was your last menstrual period?", etc. Then see the doctor. She told me the sore looked like a bug bite that had become abscessed. When I admitted to trying to pop it, she said that was what caused the abscess.
I am on blood-thinners because of heart surgery so she didn't want to lance the abscess. Instead she opted to put me on a double-dose of bactrim and reassess me in a week.
Being diabetic is hard game. Never put off going to the doctor just because you are unsure if you really need medical attention or not. Any good doctor will understand that a diabetic needs to be extra careful and vigilant. Better safe than sorry, right?
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Move Me
I love music. We all know the awesome power music holds. The power to enhance emotion, the power to change mood, the power to motivate or relax, the power to inspire. It can be beautiful, it can be grateing. It can be profound, and it can make you wonder how anyone could be so dumb and talentless and still get thier music on the radio...
I love all types of music in one way or another but my true love lies in rock/alternative and secondly in baroque/classical. My all time favorite band is U2 and my all time favorite composers are Mozart for classical and Vivaldi for baroque.
Just for funzies I decided to choose one song that I love for each letter of the alphabet. The songs are chosen by either the name of the composer or the name of the song matching the corresponding letter. Of course, this is just a drop in the bucket of songs I love, but it will give you a good sampling of what I listen too and who I am.
A - Adele - Rolling in the Deep
B - Bono - Dreaming With Tears in my Eyes^
C - Christina Aguilera - Candyman
D - Die Antwoord - I Fink u Freeky
E- E Nomine - Mitternacht
F - Foo Fighters - Times Like These
G - The Gourds - Gin and Juice
H - Harry Belefonte - Jump in the Line
I - Jimmy Soul - If you Want to be Happy
J- Justin Timberlake - Sexy Back
K - Kongo's - Come With Me Now
L- Scissor Sisters - Let's Have A Kiki
M - Mozart - Violin Concerto No 5 in A Major, 3rd Movement ^
N - Anamaniacs - Nations of the World
O - Beethoven - Ode to Joy
P - Pitbull - Shake Senora
Q - Queens of the Stoneage - No One Knows
R - Alexander Rybak - Fairytale
S - The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
T - Macklemore - Thrift Shop
U - U2 - Stuck In a Moment You Can't Get Out Of^
V - Vivaldi - Concerto for Mandolin^
W - Robbie Williams - Rock DJ
X - LMFAO - Sexy and I Know it (I know this is cheating, but I didn't have any that started with an X)
Y - Yruma - River Flows in You
Z - U2 - Zooropa ^
I love all types of music in one way or another but my true love lies in rock/alternative and secondly in baroque/classical. My all time favorite band is U2 and my all time favorite composers are Mozart for classical and Vivaldi for baroque.
Just for funzies I decided to choose one song that I love for each letter of the alphabet. The songs are chosen by either the name of the composer or the name of the song matching the corresponding letter. Of course, this is just a drop in the bucket of songs I love, but it will give you a good sampling of what I listen too and who I am.
A - Adele - Rolling in the Deep
C - Christina Aguilera - Candyman
D - Die Antwoord - I Fink u Freeky
E- E Nomine - Mitternacht
F - Foo Fighters - Times Like These
G - The Gourds - Gin and Juice
H - Harry Belefonte - Jump in the Line
I - Jimmy Soul - If you Want to be Happy
J- Justin Timberlake - Sexy Back
K - Kongo's - Come With Me Now
L- Scissor Sisters - Let's Have A Kiki
N - Anamaniacs - Nations of the World
O - Beethoven - Ode to Joy
P - Pitbull - Shake Senora
Q - Queens of the Stoneage - No One Knows
R - Alexander Rybak - Fairytale
S - The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
T - Macklemore - Thrift Shop
W - Robbie Williams - Rock DJ
X - LMFAO - Sexy and I Know it (I know this is cheating, but I didn't have any that started with an X)
Y - Yruma - River Flows in You
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Politics
I do not claim a political party or affiliation. This is because I do not agree with enough views or think closely enough along the lines of any one party to comfortably say I "belong" anywhere. I suppose I refuse to be labeled!
On Facebook I have a handful of friends who seem to do nothing other than post political arguments, beliefs, articles, etc. while I rarely do such things because I just don't care for the political scene. For those who are curious, here is a rundown of my stance on current issues. Keep in mind, I am an open minded individual who likes to think and study and therefore I reserve the right to change my own damned mind if I come across compelling evidence to the contrary of my current stance.
I believe I am more liberal than conservative.
I believe in:
-The right to choose
-gay marriage
-legal marijuana
I believe:
You should be in the country legally and be able to furnish legal proof of this in order to:
-Obtain a driver license
-Get a job
You should be a U.S. citizen before being able to:
-Vote
-Receive any government aid
I believe we need reform on all levels in:
-Education
-Employment
-Finance
-Agriculture
-Immigration
I believe:
-Religion should keep its nose out of government
-Government should keep its nose out of religion
I believe:
- we have some very deep seeded and widespread corruption as well as ignorance in our government that needs to be weeded out and destroyed. I am intelligent enough to know that I am not equipped to solve this particular problem. In other words, this country is screwed up and needs to be fixed. I constantly see a million points of view and a million suggestions and demands, but no action.
On Facebook I have a handful of friends who seem to do nothing other than post political arguments, beliefs, articles, etc. while I rarely do such things because I just don't care for the political scene. For those who are curious, here is a rundown of my stance on current issues. Keep in mind, I am an open minded individual who likes to think and study and therefore I reserve the right to change my own damned mind if I come across compelling evidence to the contrary of my current stance.
I believe I am more liberal than conservative.
I believe in:
-The right to choose
-gay marriage
-legal marijuana
I believe:
You should be in the country legally and be able to furnish legal proof of this in order to:
-Obtain a driver license
-Get a job
You should be a U.S. citizen before being able to:
-Vote
-Receive any government aid
I believe we need reform on all levels in:
-Education
-Employment
-Finance
-Agriculture
-Immigration
I believe:
-Religion should keep its nose out of government
-Government should keep its nose out of religion
I believe:
- we have some very deep seeded and widespread corruption as well as ignorance in our government that needs to be weeded out and destroyed. I am intelligent enough to know that I am not equipped to solve this particular problem. In other words, this country is screwed up and needs to be fixed. I constantly see a million points of view and a million suggestions and demands, but no action.
Friday, June 20, 2014
I Am Superhuman!
*As usual, the following is written from my memory of the events. Some
things may be inaccurate due to faulty memories. In any case, this is
how I remember it:
I had my third post-op eye appointment today. It was a normal thing, go in, register, wait, see nurse and have medications, vision, eye pressure tested, wait, get a room, wait, see doc...
My eye pressure is good, 14. I had one question to ask the doctor; I have had a gas bubble in my eye before and at that time I could see shadows and movements through it. This time around, with the second gas bubble, I can't see a thing. No shadows, no movement. I can tell when there is light in a room versus when the room is dark, but that is it. When I told the doctor this, he immediately examined my eye, which was the plan anyway. Come to find out I have a very large hyphema (collection of blood) in the front of my eye that is not letting light get through. This should clear itself up.
On our walk over to the room where he was going to do an ultrasound on my eye, the doctor asked how my pain was since surgery.
"I haven't had much."
"That's good." He was happy to hear.
"Yeah, I've only had to take three of the pain pills you prescribed."
The doctor stopped in his tracks and looked at me very surprised. "That is amazing!"
The ultrasound revealed that everything looks good and is healing well. The doctor can do surgery to remove the hyphema but is sticking to his promise to not put me through any more surgeries...at least this year.
...Oh, and I have to maintain positioning (head down, bent forward at all times) for at least another week.
I had my third post-op eye appointment today. It was a normal thing, go in, register, wait, see nurse and have medications, vision, eye pressure tested, wait, get a room, wait, see doc...
My eye pressure is good, 14. I had one question to ask the doctor; I have had a gas bubble in my eye before and at that time I could see shadows and movements through it. This time around, with the second gas bubble, I can't see a thing. No shadows, no movement. I can tell when there is light in a room versus when the room is dark, but that is it. When I told the doctor this, he immediately examined my eye, which was the plan anyway. Come to find out I have a very large hyphema (collection of blood) in the front of my eye that is not letting light get through. This should clear itself up.
On our walk over to the room where he was going to do an ultrasound on my eye, the doctor asked how my pain was since surgery.
"I haven't had much."
"That's good." He was happy to hear.
"Yeah, I've only had to take three of the pain pills you prescribed."
The doctor stopped in his tracks and looked at me very surprised. "That is amazing!"
The ultrasound revealed that everything looks good and is healing well. The doctor can do surgery to remove the hyphema but is sticking to his promise to not put me through any more surgeries...at least this year.
...Oh, and I have to maintain positioning (head down, bent forward at all times) for at least another week.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Third Time's A...Pain!
*As usual, the following is written from my memory of the events. Some
things may be inaccurate due to faulty memories. In any case, this is
how I remember it:
I had my third eye surgery, on my right eye, a couple of days ago; for diabetic retinopathy. There were some complications and it was so very painful, but i made it through without cussing or throwing things, so I guess I'm good.
The procedure started out as usual, getting my BP, pregnancy test, answering questions, signing forms. Then over to the staging area to get me in a bed and all hooked up to a BP monitor, IV, heart monitor, pulse ox, and those uncomfortable nose air things, and I asked and they agreed to put a rolled up towel under my left shoulder so I wouldn't be in pain from my frozen shoulder..
Finally the doctor came over and said hi and examined my eye one last time. He then told me what his final decision was for the surgery: A scleral buckle, vitrectomy, removal of oil, air fluid exchange, membrane peel, and an iris synchialysis. Then I was knocked out.
When I awoke I was struggling to get up and the nurses were telling me to lay still. I told them my shoulder was hurting real bad and they gave me some pain meds. I calmed down and settled into a comfortable position and the surgery began.
First things first, the scleral buckle.They have to move your eye around a lot for this part and you can see everything so I did get slightly dizzy and nauseous during this part because all I could see (and not control) was the room spinning. The cutting and trying to fit my eye was kind of painful. The doctor soon found that the size and type of band he was going to use was not going to fit, so he switched to a smaller nylon band/buckle and the procedure was soon done. Apparently I have a very small right eye. Go figure.
After the buckle they moved on to the vitrectomy, removal of oil, and the iris synchialtsis. For the iris thing, he was fixing a couple of adhesions in the front of my eye that had been causing my iris to be misshapen.
Next was the most time consuming and painful part of the surgery. Or maybe it just seemed to take forever because it was so painful. The part of my eye they had to get to to do the membrane peel was behind my retina. this means they had to go very deep into my eye and the deeper you go the more pain is involved. He had some trouble with finding a tool long enough to reach the scar tissue he needed to remove, but he got it and in turn my retina flattened out well. During this part of the procedure I was in so much pain they had to re-numb (nerve block) my eye and give me more IV pain meds. They gave me so much I went into a bit of a "trip", but it didn't last long and I was in pain through out the rest of the surgery.
Lastly they did some cryotherapy which is to freeze everything in place to further help the retina to not ripple/detach/tear, etc.. Finally then they put the gas in my eye and sutured me up.
In the recovery room my BP spiked at 250/120 or so. That is extremely high and shows how much pain I had been in over the last four hours. I was given a heavy duty horse pill of a pain med with some water and crackers. They went over my home care and meds and set up a follow up appointment for the next morning.
On the way home, my husband had to pull over twice so I could puke. Once home I went straight to bed, waking up every now and then to puke, sip water, and have my husband force pills down my throat. Finally I told him no more pills, they were just exacerbating the nausea, and I wasn't in much pain anyway.
The next morning I went to the doctor to have the patch removed and the eye examined. More complications, the nurse got the patch off and cleaned the outside of the eye, but it was so swollen she couldn't get it open to clean the inside, check my vision, or pressure.
The doctor came in and put in a retractor (ouch!) and then checked my vision and pressure and looked in the eye to make sure all was doing well. I have a small bit of bleeding in the front of my eye, but it should stop on its own.
"I am hopeful this procedure will do the trick, but no matter what, you have been through so much pain and suffering, I am not willing to do any more to this eye." More or less the words of Dr Hunter.
I had my third eye surgery, on my right eye, a couple of days ago; for diabetic retinopathy. There were some complications and it was so very painful, but i made it through without cussing or throwing things, so I guess I'm good.
The procedure started out as usual, getting my BP, pregnancy test, answering questions, signing forms. Then over to the staging area to get me in a bed and all hooked up to a BP monitor, IV, heart monitor, pulse ox, and those uncomfortable nose air things, and I asked and they agreed to put a rolled up towel under my left shoulder so I wouldn't be in pain from my frozen shoulder..
Finally the doctor came over and said hi and examined my eye one last time. He then told me what his final decision was for the surgery: A scleral buckle, vitrectomy, removal of oil, air fluid exchange, membrane peel, and an iris synchialysis. Then I was knocked out.
When I awoke I was struggling to get up and the nurses were telling me to lay still. I told them my shoulder was hurting real bad and they gave me some pain meds. I calmed down and settled into a comfortable position and the surgery began.
First things first, the scleral buckle.They have to move your eye around a lot for this part and you can see everything so I did get slightly dizzy and nauseous during this part because all I could see (and not control) was the room spinning. The cutting and trying to fit my eye was kind of painful. The doctor soon found that the size and type of band he was going to use was not going to fit, so he switched to a smaller nylon band/buckle and the procedure was soon done. Apparently I have a very small right eye. Go figure.
After the buckle they moved on to the vitrectomy, removal of oil, and the iris synchialtsis. For the iris thing, he was fixing a couple of adhesions in the front of my eye that had been causing my iris to be misshapen.
Next was the most time consuming and painful part of the surgery. Or maybe it just seemed to take forever because it was so painful. The part of my eye they had to get to to do the membrane peel was behind my retina. this means they had to go very deep into my eye and the deeper you go the more pain is involved. He had some trouble with finding a tool long enough to reach the scar tissue he needed to remove, but he got it and in turn my retina flattened out well. During this part of the procedure I was in so much pain they had to re-numb (nerve block) my eye and give me more IV pain meds. They gave me so much I went into a bit of a "trip", but it didn't last long and I was in pain through out the rest of the surgery.
Lastly they did some cryotherapy which is to freeze everything in place to further help the retina to not ripple/detach/tear, etc.. Finally then they put the gas in my eye and sutured me up.
In the recovery room my BP spiked at 250/120 or so. That is extremely high and shows how much pain I had been in over the last four hours. I was given a heavy duty horse pill of a pain med with some water and crackers. They went over my home care and meds and set up a follow up appointment for the next morning.
On the way home, my husband had to pull over twice so I could puke. Once home I went straight to bed, waking up every now and then to puke, sip water, and have my husband force pills down my throat. Finally I told him no more pills, they were just exacerbating the nausea, and I wasn't in much pain anyway.
The next morning I went to the doctor to have the patch removed and the eye examined. More complications, the nurse got the patch off and cleaned the outside of the eye, but it was so swollen she couldn't get it open to clean the inside, check my vision, or pressure.
The doctor came in and put in a retractor (ouch!) and then checked my vision and pressure and looked in the eye to make sure all was doing well. I have a small bit of bleeding in the front of my eye, but it should stop on its own.
"I am hopeful this procedure will do the trick, but no matter what, you have been through so much pain and suffering, I am not willing to do any more to this eye." More or less the words of Dr Hunter.
Friday, June 6, 2014
It's So Easy It's Hard
There are so many divorces these days that one assumes that marriage is too difficult to maintain. I disagree; in my opinion, marriages fail because...well, there are a lot of reasons, but none of them are "because it's too hard".
I by no means am a professional at anything. This post is simply and solely my own opinion.
Divorce rates in the U.S. are almost exactly 50%. Nearly half of those who get married will end up divorced. And 10% of those who divorce will do it within the first five years of marriage! Why?
My husband and I had two weddings. The first (which was our "real" wedding) was via the Justice of the Peace, yes, we eloped. This wedding was on December 2nd, 1999. Our second wedding was to satisfy my husband's Catholic family, it was done in the church on Valentine's Day. Both weddings were perfect and beautiful to us, because we are in love. But both of them were riddled with faults and issues, but we didn't care, because we are in love.
One point I have to make is that my husband and I did not date for a long period of time. In fact, we were engaged on our second date. Yup within less than two weeks we were already decided to be together forever. Now that is true love, right? Heck no! Well, what I mean is every couple is different. You can't say a short or long relationship before marriage will determine the marriage's success. Some people just know right away, others need time to settle into a relationship.
So, what is my opinion on why so many marriages fail? IMO, it is because one or both halves do not want to work with the other. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship, not a monarchy or matriarchy, it is a 50/50 partnership. You both must be willing and able to work together! And you both must be willing and able to support each other. If even one is not willing to partner, not willing to compromise, not willing to share, then it will fall apart.
What makes marriage so easy? Hard work!...but surprisingly not difficult...if you're willing and not lazy.
There are a ton of different marriage "styles" out there: Traditional, arranged, open, same-sex, common law, mixed, etc. But they all have one thing in common that makes them work, the partners are actually willing to work together.
What are they working together on?:
First and foremost: YOU MUST COMMUNICATE! Talk to each other, listen to each other. Don't get defensive, don't play the blame game, don't be over passionate, bullheaded, or hypersensitive. Use your head when discussing important subjects.
1. Finances: Money is the root of all evil...and most divorces. If you can not agree on a way to manage your money, then you are going to fight a lot. With money problems comes stress, a lot of unnecessary stress. There are many ways to manage money in a marriage. Many married couples keep their finances separate in order to avoid marital woes because one partner can't budget or stick to one. And also because pooling money in a marriage is both an old-fashioned and religious tradition and not necessarily a common practice anymore. If you do want to pool your money, then it is usually good to have one party managing all the money but the other be allowed to know what is going on and have a say.
2. Sex: Love making is huge in marriages. You may not want it to be a largely important part of marriage, but it is. Think about it. Most marriages mean that you are having sex with only one person for the rest of your life. It better be someone who can pleasure you well, and who you can pleasure well. There are marriages where sex is OK with others, Open marriages are just that, open to multiple sexual partners. If this is an interest, it must be agreed upon with both members of the marriage.
3. Children: When most people are walking down the aisle (or preferably before they get to that point) they are looking into their partner's eyes and seeing kids in the future. Before you marry the love of your life, make sure you agree on how many kids you want, if you want kids at all! And then when the kids come along, how will they be disciplined, what kind of schools are they going to go to, religion? College?
4. Friends: We all have friends, then we fall in love and meet our partner's friends. Many a relationship has fallen apart because one partner can't accept one or more of their partner's friends from before the relationship. Maybe it is jealousy, maybe it is a control thing, maybe it is disapproval of the influence this person has. It could be anything, but remember, they were friends before you met, if you can't accept the love of your life just the way they are and with all the "strings" attached, this is a real sign of issues.
5. Religion and Politics: Do you and your partner share the same religion? Are you both with the same political party? If you are then make sure you can agree on a church and how you are going to tithe and celebrate holidays, etc. If you are the same political party, let's hope this also means you agree on most of the same political stances/issues, etc. If your religion/political stances differ, talk about it and come to agreements and decisions before you get married!
6. Living Arrangements: What is your dream home and where is it located? When you get married where do you and your spouse want to live? Is anyone living with you? Rent or own? House or apartment? City or country? Do you have pets? Gas or electric? Pool? Yard man or DIY? These are all potential huge fights if you don't work it out ahead of time.
7. Extended Family: Where are you going to spend the holidays? How close are you and your spouse to your respective families? How well do you get along with your partner's family?
8: Compromise: Are you both willing to make some sacrifices and compromise so that both of you can be happy? This is important because it will fail if one half is always the one to sacrifice and compromise while the other half always gets what they want. This is not love, this is abuse.
9: Work/Education: Are you both in school or working? Is one staying home to care for the domestic needs and children? This also ties in with finances. How will you pay for two college educations? Can one afford to stay home? etc.
10: Recreation: Do you both share some common interests and enjoy doing them together? Do you have no common interests, how will you handle that? Does one of you have a hobby that the other one detests? Can you stand your partners taste in music? How will you spend your vacations? Will you perhaps take separate vacations (some couples do this)?
11. Habits, etc.: Once you move in together you will be stuck having to deal with each others habits. How will you address an issue when you find your partner has a habit that annoys you? Is one of you a clean freak and the other a slob? Who does the cooking? How are the chores going to be split? Do you both eat similar diets?
12. Support: Are you both willing and able to pick up the slack if and when one of you becomes ill or injured, or loses your job, etc.? If one of you loses a family member, or goes through a tough time emotionally, will the other be able to provide adequate emotional support? Are you both able to be a cheer leader, and encourage each other to succeed? Can you be your partner's biggest fan?
13. Infidelity: Make sure you both agree on a definition of "cheating". To some people a little flirting is outright cheating. To others it's not cheating unless physical contact (kissing, hugging, sex) happens. Yet others think just looking at another person is the same as sleeping with them. So make sure you both understand what the other is OK with in this touchy area because so many relationships have ended over it.
Finally, remember that no relationship is free of disagreements, not one relationship out there is perfect. You will argue, you will disagree on things, you will hurt each other on occasion. You will have frustration and cry yourself to sleep sometimes. We are all human, even the love of your life. We all make mistakes. We are all individuals even when we are in a 50/50 relationship. Never go into marriage expecting it to be all flowers and puppy dogs, you will be sorely disappointed.
It is worth it if you both work hard at it...together.
I by no means am a professional at anything. This post is simply and solely my own opinion.
Divorce rates in the U.S. are almost exactly 50%. Nearly half of those who get married will end up divorced. And 10% of those who divorce will do it within the first five years of marriage! Why?
My husband and I had two weddings. The first (which was our "real" wedding) was via the Justice of the Peace, yes, we eloped. This wedding was on December 2nd, 1999. Our second wedding was to satisfy my husband's Catholic family, it was done in the church on Valentine's Day. Both weddings were perfect and beautiful to us, because we are in love. But both of them were riddled with faults and issues, but we didn't care, because we are in love.
One point I have to make is that my husband and I did not date for a long period of time. In fact, we were engaged on our second date. Yup within less than two weeks we were already decided to be together forever. Now that is true love, right? Heck no! Well, what I mean is every couple is different. You can't say a short or long relationship before marriage will determine the marriage's success. Some people just know right away, others need time to settle into a relationship.
So, what is my opinion on why so many marriages fail? IMO, it is because one or both halves do not want to work with the other. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship, not a monarchy or matriarchy, it is a 50/50 partnership. You both must be willing and able to work together! And you both must be willing and able to support each other. If even one is not willing to partner, not willing to compromise, not willing to share, then it will fall apart.
What makes marriage so easy? Hard work!...but surprisingly not difficult...if you're willing and not lazy.
There are a ton of different marriage "styles" out there: Traditional, arranged, open, same-sex, common law, mixed, etc. But they all have one thing in common that makes them work, the partners are actually willing to work together.
What are they working together on?:
First and foremost: YOU MUST COMMUNICATE! Talk to each other, listen to each other. Don't get defensive, don't play the blame game, don't be over passionate, bullheaded, or hypersensitive. Use your head when discussing important subjects.
1. Finances: Money is the root of all evil...and most divorces. If you can not agree on a way to manage your money, then you are going to fight a lot. With money problems comes stress, a lot of unnecessary stress. There are many ways to manage money in a marriage. Many married couples keep their finances separate in order to avoid marital woes because one partner can't budget or stick to one. And also because pooling money in a marriage is both an old-fashioned and religious tradition and not necessarily a common practice anymore. If you do want to pool your money, then it is usually good to have one party managing all the money but the other be allowed to know what is going on and have a say.
2. Sex: Love making is huge in marriages. You may not want it to be a largely important part of marriage, but it is. Think about it. Most marriages mean that you are having sex with only one person for the rest of your life. It better be someone who can pleasure you well, and who you can pleasure well. There are marriages where sex is OK with others, Open marriages are just that, open to multiple sexual partners. If this is an interest, it must be agreed upon with both members of the marriage.
3. Children: When most people are walking down the aisle (or preferably before they get to that point) they are looking into their partner's eyes and seeing kids in the future. Before you marry the love of your life, make sure you agree on how many kids you want, if you want kids at all! And then when the kids come along, how will they be disciplined, what kind of schools are they going to go to, religion? College?
4. Friends: We all have friends, then we fall in love and meet our partner's friends. Many a relationship has fallen apart because one partner can't accept one or more of their partner's friends from before the relationship. Maybe it is jealousy, maybe it is a control thing, maybe it is disapproval of the influence this person has. It could be anything, but remember, they were friends before you met, if you can't accept the love of your life just the way they are and with all the "strings" attached, this is a real sign of issues.
5. Religion and Politics: Do you and your partner share the same religion? Are you both with the same political party? If you are then make sure you can agree on a church and how you are going to tithe and celebrate holidays, etc. If you are the same political party, let's hope this also means you agree on most of the same political stances/issues, etc. If your religion/political stances differ, talk about it and come to agreements and decisions before you get married!
6. Living Arrangements: What is your dream home and where is it located? When you get married where do you and your spouse want to live? Is anyone living with you? Rent or own? House or apartment? City or country? Do you have pets? Gas or electric? Pool? Yard man or DIY? These are all potential huge fights if you don't work it out ahead of time.
7. Extended Family: Where are you going to spend the holidays? How close are you and your spouse to your respective families? How well do you get along with your partner's family?
8: Compromise: Are you both willing to make some sacrifices and compromise so that both of you can be happy? This is important because it will fail if one half is always the one to sacrifice and compromise while the other half always gets what they want. This is not love, this is abuse.
9: Work/Education: Are you both in school or working? Is one staying home to care for the domestic needs and children? This also ties in with finances. How will you pay for two college educations? Can one afford to stay home? etc.
10: Recreation: Do you both share some common interests and enjoy doing them together? Do you have no common interests, how will you handle that? Does one of you have a hobby that the other one detests? Can you stand your partners taste in music? How will you spend your vacations? Will you perhaps take separate vacations (some couples do this)?
11. Habits, etc.: Once you move in together you will be stuck having to deal with each others habits. How will you address an issue when you find your partner has a habit that annoys you? Is one of you a clean freak and the other a slob? Who does the cooking? How are the chores going to be split? Do you both eat similar diets?
12. Support: Are you both willing and able to pick up the slack if and when one of you becomes ill or injured, or loses your job, etc.? If one of you loses a family member, or goes through a tough time emotionally, will the other be able to provide adequate emotional support? Are you both able to be a cheer leader, and encourage each other to succeed? Can you be your partner's biggest fan?
13. Infidelity: Make sure you both agree on a definition of "cheating". To some people a little flirting is outright cheating. To others it's not cheating unless physical contact (kissing, hugging, sex) happens. Yet others think just looking at another person is the same as sleeping with them. So make sure you both understand what the other is OK with in this touchy area because so many relationships have ended over it.
Finally, remember that no relationship is free of disagreements, not one relationship out there is perfect. You will argue, you will disagree on things, you will hurt each other on occasion. You will have frustration and cry yourself to sleep sometimes. We are all human, even the love of your life. We all make mistakes. We are all individuals even when we are in a 50/50 relationship. Never go into marriage expecting it to be all flowers and puppy dogs, you will be sorely disappointed.
It is worth it if you both work hard at it...together.
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