A Good Doctor

I'm increasingly glad that I ended up with my current primary doctor.  He is not perfect, no doctor is, but he meets all my criteria for a good doctor.  He listens to me when I talk to him.  He takes all my health conditions into consideration when dealing with individual issues.  He wants me to know what he knows, not just treating me without explaining.  He doesn't jump to medication, he considers all possible treatments and chooses the best for my situation. He works with me, he knows I am a human being and talks with me, not at me. He thinks about and answers my questions in a mature manner; that is to say, no question is taken lightly or mocked for stupidity. 

Today my weight has gone up which left me downhearted. My blood-pressure has improved since my last visit, but is still slightly high, I can't remember the numbers, 130something over something.  My blood-sugar was very high (210) but I had just eaten a carb filled breakfast like a half hour to 45 minutes earlier (boo for rushing in the morning).

My doctor came in and after greetings he looked at my awesome "Type One Dia-bad-ass" shirt and laughed and said it was awesome. The first thing he asked me after discussing my high blood-sugar was if I had gotten in to see an endo yet.  I told him that I still hadn't gotten a call.  He was disappointed and had me wait a moment while he went out and told his nurse to look in to it.  When he came back he asked me how everything had been going since our last visit.  I told him generally everything is fine.  He asked how I am doing with my heart.  I told him my heart is good according to my cardiologist but I have some concerns about how little my cardiologist is doing.  He said cardiology is based on symptoms, really, so if I have a good EKG and blood-pressure, other than that the cardiologist is really going to go off of any symptoms I list.  That explanation kind of set my mind at ease.

Next we talked about lab work.  I haven't had any labs done in a year.  My doctor wants me to have all the normal labs for diabetics done every three months until my conditions are under control (especially my diabetes).  I  like this plan, labs are the best way to know what's going on inside my body.

He then asked how my eyes are doing and what my retina specialist has been working on with me.  I love that he cares what my other doctor's are up to!  I said things are going great with my eyes right now, considering everything I've been through this year and the fact that my retinopathy was so bad before.

Then we discussed my medications.  No changes are being made at this time so he put in the refills I need, and that was that.

While we were waiting for the nurse to come back with info on my endo referral, the doctor explained to me that he wants to work closely with my endo's treatment plan so he can best help me to get things under control and get me as healthy as possible.  It is my responsibility to make sure he knows what I am doing with my endo so he can tailor his end of the care to what me and my endo need and plan and are working on.  I love this, some doctors don't even care what other doctors are doing.  This doctor is eager to work with me and my other doctors.  Yay!

The nurse returned and the news was good.  I now have an appointment to see an endo on December 6th.  It's a bit of a wait, but at least it's in the books!

I get my labs done on Monday (I'm waiting until then because I don't like doing labs while menstruating..TMI, I know).  I see my primary again on November 10th to go over the lab results.

And then I walked home.  The walk was very painful, as usual, but not as painful as it had been in the past.  As long as I stopped and rested a few times along the way, the pain didn't build to the point of wanting to plop down on the sidewalk and cry.  I walked 2.5 miles and not once did I wish I wasn't in that situation.  I actually felt an inkling of the joy I used to feel while walking so many years ago.  I think the Gabapentin, Frankincense and Myrrh oil, and ever improving blood-sugar levels is actually starting to improve my neuropathy.  I hope it keeps getting better.

Vitamin and Mineral Supplements

This is purely my own experience and opinion.

There are arguments out there that claim taking vitamin and mineral supplements does nothing to help improve health.  That they are a waste of money, and in some cases can be harmful.  Some state that our bodies can't properly metabolize the supplements in pill form because our bodies are made to draw the nutrients from the source (food, etc.) and so just spill the nutrients from pills through the bodies urine.

I can't say if these claims are true, or even if I've stated them accurately, because I am no professional.  I can say with certainty, though, that I am a supplement taker and they work damn well for me!  When I go without taking supplements, I notice a significant and more negative difference in my overall health.

Now, maybe it is because I am not a healthy person.  Maybe supplements don't make a difference for people that are already healthy for the most part.  But for people like me who live with chronic conditions and incurable diseases, supplements can do a whole lot to benefit our health.  I live with Type I Diabetes and a lot of complications of diabetes.  Supplements have done much to help me live a healthier life.

Now I am not talking about expensive products that come from multi-level marketing schemes and may include meal plans and programs and promise cures, weight-loss, and/or other things.  No, I am simply talking about vitamin and mineral supplement pills you can buy at almost any store that sells foods and pharmaceuticals.

Some people don't like the idea of vitamins because they don't want to take on an 'odor'.  To them I might suggest buying the odorless kinds.  Almost all the supplements that used to cause certain smells now come in an odorless version.  Or you can take chlorophyll.  Chlorophyll is excellent at making you not smell like anything at all.  Perfumes won't  even stay on your skin!  We used to give it to our dogs to get rid of the dog odor and it worked wonders!

As far as the claim that supplements can be harmful...of course they can.  Anything can be harmful when you just jump on in and don't do your homework first.  If you take too much, or you mix with medication that they don't mix well with, or you have an allergy to a vitamin.  Everything has the potential for harm.  And also, don't just buy any old brand of supplements, do your homework on companies and buy from a company/brand you trust.

For me the key differences I notice when on vitamins are a follows:  More energy and alertness, healthier skin, hair, and nails, I sleep better, I experience fewer aches and pains, my mood evens out (I feel happier), my appetite evens out (less cravings). And, of course, the various benefits to health related to why I take the supplements I take!

Everyone's health needs differ, so obviously different supplements will benefit different people.  For me, here is a list of what I take and why:

*The benefits listed below are not ALL the benefits of each supplement, they are just the ones I take them for.*

Multi vitamin:  Hey, I just like to cover all my bases.  :)

Calcium +Vitamin D:  Every woman should take this, it's great for helping to prevent osteoporosis. It benefits bone strength and health.

Cinnamon: The spice of life! There are a ton of health benefits of cinnamon, some are: blood-sugar regulation, mood regulation, and much more. I not only take a cinnamon capsule, but I also use cinnamon in a lot of my cooking. 

CoQ10: Energy, antioxidant, digestion, heart health.

Magnesium: Magnesium is good for the heart and bones and is also good for reducing pain. 

Evening Primrose Oil: Helps with high cholesterol, heart disease, nerve damage (neuropathy).

Vitamin B-12: Boosts mood and energy, good for the heart, nerves, reduces ringing in the ears, and is a mosquito repellent. 

Folic Acid: Good for the heart,  sleep aid, nerve pain.  Folic acid causes vivid dreams.  I naturally have vivid dreams and taking folic acid only makes them more vivid.  I love it!

Cranberry: Good for blood pressure and boosts immune health.

Frankincense and Myrrh oil (topical): Temporary relief from neuropathy pain.

Dia-Bad-Ass Eye Appointment

  *As usual, the following is written from my memory of the events.  Some things may be inaccurate due to faulty memories.  In any case, this is how I remember it:


I had an eye appointment today.  My retina specialist examined both eyes this time.  A month ago I had mentioned that I had begun seeing flashes of light in my left eye, which is new, I have only ever experienced flashes in my right eye.  So my doctor had planned an exam on both eyes for today.

After a vision exam, pressure check (7 in right eye, 16 in left), and dilating drops in both eyes. I waited to be called in to the exam room.  Once the doctor came in he commented on my cool new shirt.

"Dia- Bad- Ass, that's great! I like that."  He laughed and smiled.

He also asked how my blood-sugars have been, since I had a severe low at my last appointment (see post, "Well, Now That Was Embarrassing").  He then asked how my vision was doing in both eyes.  I told him the right eye hasn't changed but the left seems a bit more blurry.  He listened and then commented that it looks like the eyelid of my right eye is opening more.  I told him that I practice opening it while looking in the mirror; I get to a certain point and then it just stops.

"Yeah, it will take a long time to heal, but it should come back eventually.  Keep working on it, that helps."

I also told him that when I am outside in the sunlight and then come in, it takes forever for my vision to adjust.

"That's because of the diabetes.  The retina uses a lot of energy to make those adjustments, and with the damage from diabetic retinopathy, there just isn't much energy in the retina."

He then examined both eyes.  My right eye (the one I've had four surgeries on) is healing up great.  The oil will be removed in six months or so.  The retina is staying flat (Yay!), the macula looks great.  I have the encapsulation issue with the new lens, but that can wait to be repaired when they  go in to remove the oil.  All-in-all he says it is doing very well.

The left eye also looks really good.  The only issue he found was a very small cataract, and that should take a long time to become a real problem. There will be no surgeries on my left eye until my right eye is all better.  No need to mess with all my vision at once.

He adjusted my medications and then asked to see me back in six weeks.

All-in-all a happy visit. 

Relationship "Advice"

This is purely my own opinion.

I really can't give advice on how to have a romantic relationship that works and lasts.  Why?  Because everyone is different and there are so many different types of relationships that can work. You need to find someone that works with you, not for you.

I can, however, ramble about how my marriage works and is lasting... forever.

This is going to truly be a rambling and may bounce around and be a bit confusing.  It's this way because my marriage is this way.  How much fun is this!  :D 

I've had a few romantic relationships in my life.  As a teenager I dated a whopping three guys, but none of those relationships were strong, or fun, and I ended up angry, lonely, used, and bruised before I got smart and ended it. I have been married to the same man now for going on fifteen years; and I intend it to last until one of us dies. And, no, we won't be killing each other! Compared to about half of my friends and family, I guess you can say I've had it "easy" when it comes to love.

Yeah, right!

Just because a relationship is strong and has lasted a long time, doesn't mean it is easy!  I've cried myself to sleep so many times.  I've been angry, frustrated, heartbroken, you name it!  Love is hard game.  So what makes it worth it?  Why do we torture ourselves so? 

Because nothing is more worthwhile than knowing you have someone to nag, yell at, cry over, and they will still hold you, kiss you, love you, share their life with you, confide in you, include you, love you even more, respect you, find you attractive, do certain things only with you.  They have chosen you above all others, and that is damned stunning!

Because nothing is more worthwhile than having someone find you important enough to nag, yell at, cry over, and you still want to hold them, kiss them, love them, share your life with them, confide in them, include them, love them some more, respect them, find them attractive, do certain things only with them.  You have chosen them above all others, and it couldn't make you any happier.

So, what has made my marriage last as long as it has and will ensure that it lasts so much longer?

Commitment, determination, bullheadedness, common sense, compromise, room to breathe, tolerance, understanding, team work...

Notice I didn't list love, romance, sex, and all the sappy words.  Why?  Well, these things are important and every successful marriage needs them; but they aren't what is most important to a lasting relationship.

I know it sucks for all of us romantics to hear; believe me, it was a surprising and hard lesson for me to learn, but a strong marriage must be seen as a business arrangement, a partnership, not just in a romantic way, but in a business way.  When you get married (and even before) you enter into a contract.  This contract states that you agree to share everything, not just emotions and a house, but EVERYTHING.  This means when decisions need to be made, both parties must have a say and a vote.

This can make for a lot of arguments and disagreements.  Especially if one or both parties are not ready to share, or if they have a strong independent nature...or if they are psycho, sociopathic, greedy, narcissistic, control freaks, or something.

What I've just stated is the traditional business arrangement of relationships, everything is split 50/50. Many relationships now days like to split responsibilities, and support each other when needed.  Separate bank accounts, separate bills, what's yours is yours, and what's mine is mine. This arrangement can work very well if both parties are reliable and stick to their part of the deal.

Over the years, though, things can get blurred, and more and more "things" become "ours" and not, "yours".  This is fine as long as both parties acknowledge it and are OK with the evolved agreement.

My husband and I have been through a lot.  And we're still together.  We still have disagreements.  We still hurt each other.  But more than anything, we love and respect one another.  And we have a business arrangement that works for the most part.  Constant adjustments must be made to account for growth, financial changes, medical needs, etc.

What needs to be understood is that we are all individuals.  And we need to acknowledge that even though we have devoted ourselves to one another and partnered up, we still have our own minds, our own thoughts, needs, desires.  We need to make room for each other to breathe.  So many people want to smother their partner.  They demand so much attention, they want to do everything together.  I really understand this, I was this way at the beginning of my marriage.  For me, it was my way of settling in and bonding.

This causes a lot of tension in a relationship.  One party can't understand why the other doesn't feel the same way.  The other party can't understand why they aren't allowed to have alone time.  "Why don't you love me?",  "Why can't you let me breathe?".

Everybody is different and has different needs and ways of adjusting.  Tolerance and understanding are very important here.  Just because the love of your life doesn't think and act like you, doesn't mean you aren't loved and respected.

You can not force a person to change!  You can not expect them to stay the same, either!  We are all human beings.  We have set in ways, and we also constantly change.  If you are wanting a specific partner that will never change and always be exactly what you want...then get a doll!

If you think the perfect relationship is without fault, pain, or anything negative, then you are never going to have a lasting relationship.  I can't imagine living with no negativity in my marriage.  The bad times strengthen us, and they make the good times seem all the more wonderful.

Just laying in bed and talking, joking, laughing, tickling, wrestling, and of course, love making.  These are the things I think of when I recall the best times.  It's the little things I do with my man that I don't do with anyone else; these are the things that make my marriage worthwhile.  Not a sexy body, not a ring on my finger (we don't have rings), not a man that makes a million dollars.  Having a special connection, and knowing that we have a business arrangement that works, so we have little stress there, this makes it work and last.

School Days: A guest post by Lawrence 'Rick' Phillips, Ed.D.

The following is a guest post written by my friend, Rick.  Rick and I met via the social media site TuDiabetes.  We have much in common including Type I Diabetes.  The following is a story Rick has written about his experience with diabetes, low blood-sugar, and the school nurse.  Read and enjoy; I know I did!

School days

It is such a wonderful pleasure to be able to blog with my friend Tamra on Cinnamon.  I have followed Tamra’s writing for about six months and getting the chance to write for her audience offers me an opportunity to stretch my legs a bit in a new more complicated direction.  I hope you the readers, who of course we write for, will recognize some of yourselves in my crazy story.  

I was diagnosed with diabetes and I started insulin during the summer between Junior and Senior year in High School.  I was 17, madder than hell about being diagnosed and determined no one was going to give me anything because of Diabetes.  I admit it was a crazy idea but it was the one I had adopted as school started that year.  I suppose at some point I was responsible for telling the office after all I was now an insulin dependent diabetic and had anyone asked, I might have complied.   But short of someone coming up to me and saying ‘dude are you sick?’ I was never going to do that.  So I started high school and went about my business.

In those days, 1974, MDI meant an injection in the morning and one at night maybe.  I took three, injections because I would crash so hard mid-morning most days.  Crashing was not really a big deal for me; I left the house each morning with my afternoon injection and the hope I would not crash in class.  I figured hey someone must have food somewhere right?  I mean it’s a school. 

Well I had not gone very long into the year when in 3^rd period class I crashed.  No one knew I was diabetic and when I started sweating like a fountain I knew what was going on but the teacher acted as if he didn’t see it, which was fair, given some of our prior interactions.  As the period ended, I was still one period away from leaving for the day and well I was really having an issue.  In those days of course there was no blood sugar testing, a urine test meant nothing and besides doing the test tube in the boys restroom would certainly be misunderstood.  So I swallowed my pride and went to the nurse’s office. 

Now surprisingly I really did not know the nurse.  But my reputation preceded me and when I walked in and I was having a low episode I got the third degree.  How much insulin had I taken, whose insulin was it?  How did I obtain it?  Was I getting high off insulin?  I ended up yelling, “listen give me some OJ”.  “No,” she said, “this is for diabetics; we have no record of you being diabetic”.  Once again I yelled. (a side note this was not my best moment and it is funny only in retrospect). 

Well after a nice, LOUD, discussion I earned two things, first the OJ, and then a long discussion about being responsible.  I explained I was being responsible I was taking care of it myself, as opposed to asking a nurse to take care of it, ahh not the right thing to say.  It took two hours and four calls to verify I was not an insulin abuser, the doctor’s office wanted to see me immediately to adjust my insulin.  Give me a break, I complied however, and I had to get a note from my parents acknowledging that I was diabetic and the nurse could give me OJ.  I forged the note, I was sure that my parents would be OK that if my blood sugar was low, the nurse could give me OJ.  Good grief I also got 3 days of after school detention for not informing the office of the medical condition.  I mean wait who gives detention for not telling a nurse you could get ill?

For me it was all sort of funny, since the after school detention interfered with my afternoon injection I boldly took it to school.  Hmm I got to go back to the nurse where I served my detention.  I got to spend 35 minutes a day for three days with my new best friend the nurse.  Guess what, she was not happy.  That delighted me to no end.

Now fast forward 38 years and I wondered, what was in my personal school file about that incident.  I could ask for my records and I did.   Just my senior year no need to kill the forest to print the entire record.  And sure enough there it was.  In bold angry lettering, not even on a line, but in the margin, was the nurse’s note.  THIS BOY HAS DIABETES AND HE NEVER TOLD ME.  Attached was my fake note giving her authority to give me OJ.   I laughed so hard it was funny.  A fake note memorized in my permanent file.   It is so funny.  I had a good chuckle.

But of course there is irony.  Later in my career I became an expulsion officer for a school district.  I had to expel kids who did things like bring unregistered drugs to school.  The case that came before me involved Tylenol.  A middle-schooler brought Tylenol to school and the principal asked the girl be expelled.   According to her mom she gave the Tylenol to her child but never, “told the nurse’.  Oh my.  The rebound effect was in my face.  Let’s say the girl got a note in her permanent file, a good talking too, oh and a good story for when she is 57 and blogs about that one day at school when a Tylenol got her sent to the school expulsion officer.  You have to love a good story.     For me this one was a doozy.  Oh and it makes good blog material.    

rick

Bypassaversary

Today, October 18, 2014 marks exactly one year since my triple bypass heart surgery.  This year sure has flown by.  It has also been full of changes, challenges, and so much more.

One day after surgery.

Last year I spent Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year in a healing state.  This didn't really change the holidays too much for me.  Other than being much slower and weaker at decorating and cooking, I really didn't change much in my routines and traditions.  Other than eating healthier, that is.  I did miss the awesome Halloween party my friends throw every year.  That was a bit upsetting.  They made a point to tag me in a post on Facebook during the party, though, that was awesome, knowing that they noticed my absence and missed me.

Also during my recovery, a few friends went to Wondercon and met RuPaul. They knew that my husband and I love RuPaul and asked him to record a message for us.  He did, and it was wonderful!  My husband reposts it on Facebook every few months because he is so happy about it.


I have so many wonderful friends and family that came to visit me in the hospital and at home.  It is a huge comfort to know so many people truly care.  Both my mother and mother-in-law came and took care of me for the first three weeks of my home recovery, and my husband was always there to help as well. I remember I thought I felt fine, but I was so weak and got exhausted just trying to get up off the couch, or walk down the hallway, or take a shower.  I needed the help and was so glad to have it.

In November I did a fun little photo shoot that was intended to be used in a calendar for an art group I am in with my friends.  I am a writer (yes, it is an art!) and also had just had heart surgery, so I thought I would use these two themes together and do a kind of "pouring my heart into my writing".  It was a fun evening with a couple friends and my brother-in-law.  I wasn't happy with the pictures, though.  They came out fine, I just hate seeing myself and tend to pick on every little fault in my appearance.  I'm too fat!, I'm just plain ugly!, I never photograph well!, etc. 

One I'm not too unhappy with.

For the first three months I wasn't allowed to use my arms or chest muscles.  This made life more difficult.  I knew I had to obey the rules because I made the mistake of using these muscles a couple times and the resulting pain was not fun.  If you are wondering what I mean by making life more difficult, just try getting up off the couch or from a laying position in bed without using your arms or chest muscles at all.  Not so easy is it?  Now try doing that for three months straight. It gets old, fast.

When the new year came 'round, my resolution was an obvious one.  I resolved to live healthier and get control of my diabetes.  I have stuck to that resolution for the most part.  It is not easy and I struggle everyday with temptation, frustration, and worry.  There is a lot of triumph though, too.  I have gained a lot of control and am getting better every day.

One huge difficulty is with exercise.  I love to be active and exercise is no problem as far as motivation and desire are concerned.  It's my physical issues that keep me much more sedentary than I 'd like or need.  I have neuropathy and it makes for a ton of pain in my legs and feet, and numbness in my toes.  The pain comes on almost immediately as I do physical activity, and then progressively gets worse as I continue with exercise.  I get to the point where It is difficult to walk and I just want to sit where I am and cry. 

So, yeah, exercise is more torture than fun these days.

January is my birth month.  So the January following my heart surgery I threw myself a party.  The theme was "survivor" (not the T.V. show).  There weren't any decorations really, but I did have a pow-wow where everyone told a story of their own personal survival (near death experience) and the group had to vote on whether or not it was a true story.  We had a lot of laughs and fun, and got to know each other a little better.   

Mid January was when I was allowed to resume normal activities with no physical restrictions.  I was shocked at how weak my chest and arm muscles had become in just three months.  Well, not so shocked at the chest muscles, they had been sliced through!   It took a few weeks to rebuild them to the point where I didn't feel weak or pained. 

First day back to work.

A terrible result of the heart surgery and recovery was that I developed frozen shoulder syndrome in my left shoulder.  It is painful, weak, and movement is restricted.  I am still dealing with this issue but it is very slowly getting better.

I am on a lot of medications due to being diabetic and having so many complications of diabetes.  As far as my heart goes, after surgery I was put on Metoprolol, low-dose aspirin, and Plavix, and the Lisinopril I was already on was adjusted to work with the Metoprolol.  I am still on all of these medications and my cardiologist has not done any lab work to make sure the dosage is correct or that I still need them.  This worries me to no end.

As the months go by the memory of the pain I was in for a couple of years before surgery is distant but still strong.  That pain was crippling and even though I thought it was being caused by something else, it was terrifying.  The surgery itself is still a strong memory as well.  Every time I look in the mirror and see this huge scar down the center of my chest, or the five two inch scars down my inner left thigh, I remember my week long stay in the hospital and the long recovery...and the fact that I could have dropped dead at any second during the two years leading up to it.

Scar at one year.

It's been a year and I feel great as far as my heart is concerned.  Here's to many more bypassaversaries!

How to Survive Without

Living with type I diabetes is hard enough; finding yourself with no health insurance and living on minimum wage can be downright deadly.  I've been asked before how I ended up that way and how I survived.  Here's a rundown of the seven years I spent in diabetic perdition.

How did I end up with no health care and no money?  As for the money, my husband changed jobs and the one he ended up in didn't offer insurance.  The original idea was that he would only stay in that job until a better one came up...who knew it would take seven years!  He then lost this temporary job and spent a couple years on unemployment.  I had a job too, but it wasn't anything to smile at...and I never found a better one, either. And then I lost mine as well and spent a couple years on unemployment. Thanks to the bad economy.

The health care problem was as follows.  Our jobs didn't offer insurance.  And believe it or not, I never qualified for any kind of government aid to help with health care, medications, etc.  And I looked and applied!  I even had friends and family who worked in social services that tried to help.  Nothing, there was always some issue that disqualified me. 

So, how did I survive for seven years?

1. OTC insulin - Novolin N and Novolin R require no prescription and can be purchased over the counter at any pharmacy.  They are expensive for us poor people.  $25-$50 per vial depending on where you buy them.  So I made them last.  I stuck to a strict regimen and never bolused (unless I was so high that I felt almost DKA).

2. Stocking up - I knew I was going to lose my insurance ahead of time, so I stocked up on what I could; syringes, lancets, test strips, etc..

3. Making supplies last - I would use a syringe over and over until it was so dull I couldn't even pierce my skin anymore...yeah.  Same with lancets.  Can't re-use test strips so those were gone first and that's when I no longer tested. At first I just didn't test unless I felt low or high, then the strips were gone and testing ended altogether.

4. Know other diabetics that can share - My brother is also a type I, so he helped with supplies when he could, but he was tight on money at this time as well and also went a couple years without insurance.  But we did help each other as much as we could.  It didn't help that we used different meters, and he eventually got a pump, etc.

5. Food - Heh, food, yeah, when you're poor you kind of don't follow a diet.  You buy what's cheap and learn to ignore your health needs and issues....

6. Clinics - There are clinics that take patients without insurance and don't charge too terribly much.  I did make use of these places on occasion, but even with the low cost, it was too expensive for regular visits, etc.

7. Exercise - This was a great way to try to keep my BG down.  Of course I never knew how well it was helping because I couldn't test, but I did get as much exercise as I could handle.

8. Coping - Well, uh, I chose some very bad ways to cope with the stress and fear, and the knowledge that my body was giving in to the diabetes.  My vision was getting worse, my chest hurt all the time, my legs hurt when I did any activity...I coped by partying.  Hookah and booze were readily available due to the high stress and depression of everyone around me (the terrible economy was taking it's toll on everyone).  Junk food as well.  So I smoked to relax and drank to forget.  It only made things worse but I didn't have any way to make my health better so I just spiraled downward.

Me, drinking my problems into the future.

I am amazed that I survived at all.  But eventually things did get better and I did get health insurance again and have been working very hard at cleaning up these years of neglect and abuse.