Friday, January 2, 2015

Falling Down

I will never give up trying to be healthy.  I have made a lot of progress over the past year, but I have also had a lot of set backs.  It's these set backs, temptations I have so easily given in to, hardships that came out of nowhere, that ensure that I always have feelings of guilt, failure, shame, and self-reproach.

I know even the most healthy and "successful" of diabetics have bad days, temptations, set-backs.  It is impossible to be perfect.  It is impossible to avoid the unavoidable things in life that just happen.  But I am where I am because of me for the most part.  I have heart disease, neuropathies, retinopathy, and all these other issues mostly because of my lifetime of self neglect and abuse.

Sure, things happened that were out of my hands.  I didn't choose to go so many years without insurance.  I didn't choose a lot of the things that happened in my life that made it so much more difficult to live healthy.  But I did choose to eat as bad a diet as I did.  I did choose to be as sedentary as I was. I did choose to not check my blood sugar often enough, and when I did check it I mostly just ignored the number.  I did choose to avoid going to the doctor when I did have insurance.  I did choose to ignore all the teachings and warnings my family and doctors offered.

So yes, I will always feel guilty.  I will always live with self-loathing.  I will always feel that current set backs are solely because I am a horrible human being and a terrible diabetic.  No matter how hard I try and how much success I have with my health, I will always feel I am not doing good enough.

So many of you are nodding your heads in agreement.  Not in agreement that I am a failure, but in agreement with the way I feel.  Because you feel it as well.  No matter how hard we try, it's never good enough.  It is a never ending battle with a million casualties along the way.

And there are so many of you nodding your heads in disagreement.  I shouldn't feel as bad as I do.  All that matters is the here and now.  I've made my mistakes and now that I've learned from them I can move forward to a better me.

Lies, I don't live in the past nor have I learned enough from it.  When stress hits, when things go bad, or simply when I'm feeling run down, I fall back on old habits.  It has been two weeks since I've checked my blood sugar.  I am back to taking my old standard super high dose of insulin.  I have gained back the 20 pounds I lost.

Why?  Because I suck at life.  Because I am weak and give in to temptation way too easily.

I had set the rule of no, absolutely NO carbs allowed in my house.  When the rule was followed by everyone in the house everything was going so well.  But as soon as carbs came into the house all will power ran out the door and I gorged as I always do.

I had zero temptations, zero cravings, zero trouble living "right" as long as the house was free of the evil things.  But I can not resist temptation.  If there is something I crave and it is at arms reach, there is no saying no.  I will obsess about it until it is in my stomach.

You say moderation is key.  NO IT IS NOT.  For me it is all or nothing.  I can not have just a small  amount of something I like. If it is there I will eat it and I will eat ALL of it.  The only thing that stops me is the fact that I have finished it off and there is no more to have.

This is why I set the rule of absolutely no carbs allowed in the house.  And this rule worked so well until the holidays hit and we ended up with a ton of goodies, all of which were packed full of carbs.  And what have I been doing but giving in to them at every turn and going to bed every night feeling like I am going to puke and hating myself for being who I am.

How do I deal with being diabetic and gorging on carbs?  I avoid checking my blood sugar and seeing the high numbers.  I take massive amounts of insulin knowing full well it's only going to pack on more pounds... and maybe keep me out of the hospital.

Can you imagine the doctor at the hospital?  "What brings you in to my emergency room?"

"I ate cookies, and breads, and hot chocolate, and candy, and pizza, and chips, and crackers, and dip, and milk, and soup, and juice, and corn..."

"Why did you do that?"

"Because it was there."

Geez, I'm so pathetic.

But I do so well when my rules are stuck to.  It's so easy.  Just keep the carbs out of the house.  My cravings diminish to a level I can handle when I don't have the object of my temptation at hands reach.  When the house is full of carbs I am bombarded with multiple and heavy temptations and cravings and since they are right there in front of me, I simply give in.

So just keep them away and I'll be fine.

Don't worry, I know this post is a woe-is-me rambling of depressing whining.  But, really, I'll be fine.  I'll get back up and start again.  Just like I always do.  And hopefully this time I'll do much better and the good times will last much longer.

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