Thursday, July 11, 2013

Yes, it's broken, but don't try to fix it!

Why is it that the people you most want to talk to, the ones you want to confide in, are always the most difficult to?  They just don't care to listen, and they tend to just make you feel worse than you did before you opened up to them.

Like most people, I don't find it easy to talk to anyone.  The one person I want to confide in just doesn't care.

Let me give you some general advise about "dealing" with a depressed, sad, stressed out, worried, or angry woman.  This is how MOST, not all, women are.

1. Never ignore her or turn her away.  You'll only make her louder and more upset, and now, if she wasn't before, she will blame you for making it worse than it was.

2.Address her emotional state first and foremost.  Acknowledge in a caring manner that she is upset (sad, angry, worried, etc.) but don't try to fix it, at least not unless she asks you to.  Just letting her know you understand how she feels should be enough to start to calm her.  Obviously, we all know women are profoundly emotional so isn't it just as obvious that we need to address that first?  Dealing with her feelings first will help to get them off her mind so she can think clearly.

3 Once the emotions are addressed and understood then you can move on to the root problem(s).  Saying something caring but neutral like, "What happened?"  Or, "Tell me about it."  Will let her know that you care and are interested.  Don't try to fix it! unless she asks you to.  Just listen. Make sure she has your full and undivided attention.  If you wander, she will pick up on it and you will not hear the end of it.

Side note: If a woman is pissed at you, please understand, what is masked by anger is really a broken heart.  You did something that made her feel one or all of the following: Unloved, ugly, unwanted, unimportant.  For instance, if she is trying to confide in you and you don't listen, it makes her feel unloved and unimportant to you. You might as well be telling her "You are worthless to me and I don't love you."

4. Never under any circumstances should you say things like, "I told you...", "What now.", or "What did I do?"  Or anything that will provoke anger or heartache or an argument.  Really, just shut the fuck up and listen.  It will end faster that way.  She just wants you to listen to her troubles, she just wants someone to care about her.  DO NOT TRY TO FIX IT! If you just listen to what she says and acknowledge her emotions, she will usually "fix it" herself.   You are her sounding board, not her hero.

5.Keep your mouth shut until she asks you something. When she asks you something, and she will (this is why you should have been listening all along), only answer the question and nothing more.  If it is an open ended question like, "What do you think?"  then, I'm sorry, you're on your own there because the answer depends on so many factors.  All I can say is to be as kind, loving, honest, and un-provoking as possible.  Don't try to fix it! unless she specifically asks you to.  "What do you think?" does not mean "What should I do?" or "Fix it for me."  It simply means "What do you think of the situation overall, what is your personal opinion?"  not, "How would you deal with it?"  Do you understand the difference?

P.S.:  Why do I keep saying not to try to fix it?  Because the whole point for a woman to confide in you is to have someone to let her know she is loved and important in some way.  It is natural for a man to feel like he should fix his woman's problems and be her hero because that is how most men are raised.  But if you try to address the problem then, in the woman's eyes, you are ignoring her.  You see, she came to you primarily because of her emotional issues, not because she has a problem she needs fixed.  She just wants you to help her feel better by acknowledging her feelings and listening to her bitch.

It is amazing how different men and women are, and it is no surprise that we clash so much.  I am quite aware that women are screwed up naturally, but this is how we are and it ain't gonna change any time soon.

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