Control Thy Self!

As is probably very common with married couples, my husband and I had two Thanksgivings this year and every other year since we've been married.  This year I vowed to stick to my healthy eating habits even though it was a holiday with many goodies to enjoy. 

I grew up with zero self control which made being a type I diabetic all the more fun.  Because of my rebellious nature and total lack of self control, I spent the first 20-some-odd years of my diabetic life with very high blood sugars.  So high so often that I eventually didn't feel the symptoms of highs anymore.  The way I felt was normal to me, even though it was so very unhealthy and slowly destroying my eyes, heart, arteries, nerves, stomach, joints, and entire body.

This year, though, I have been working on my self control and have been doing so well lately that I wasn't about to let the holidays knock me off the healthy wagon.  So on Thanksgiving we went to my side of the family.  spent the day visiting, catching up on what everyone's been up to. Laughing, praising those who have been doing so well with their health (I'm not the only one who has been working hard).

The house was coated with hors d'oeuvres, treats, wassail, and the smell of all those yummy traditional foods.  I did awesome resisting the many temptations.  I ate only two hors d'oeuvres , and when meal time came around I ate only a small amount of ham, some turkey, and some salad.  I was so proud of my self control.

The day progressed and everyone started digging in to the desserts.  I was so tempted.  Maybe just a small piece of peanut butter yum-yum...NO!  Be good!  Maybe just a small piece of peach pie...NO! NO! NO!  I had a plan and I was sticking to it, damn it!

It came time to head home and hubby wanted to fix up a plate of leftovers.  I told him to take what he wanted but I wasn't going to take anything for me.

I sat there, my will power exhausted.  My eyes met with the dessert counter and I lost it.  I packed up a plate of pie and peanut butter yum-yums and we headed home.

What do you think I did as soon as I got home?  I ate everything on that damned plate.  It was heaven.  I hated every ounce of myself.

Of course I bolused for my indiscretions.  I went to bed feeling like a huge screw-up.

My sleep was restless and broken because of the outrageously high blood sugar.  I dreamed of men dressed in food costumes.  They were dressed as their favorite foods: Tacos, lasagna, pizza, etc.. and they were a men's only club who's purpose was to roam the city and fight crime and help citizens.

I woke up the next morning thirsty as all hell and stiff and wobbly and sore like dehydration.  I checked my blood and it was through the roof.  I couldn't help but feel like I had  ruined all my hard work in the space of one plate of desserts.  I calculated the proper dose of insulin to bring me down to normal and then I fasted until dinner time.  I drank water like it was air and I peed more than I had peed in a very long time. I was so drained of all energy and even ended up taking a nap in the afternoon.

That evening was round two of Thanksgiving, this time with my hubby's family.  We headed over, and I had a similar plan as my first failed plan.  Eat healthy, but this time I was going to allow myself a small dessert and bolus properly for it.

We visited and had a very good evening.  I ate good for dinner, meat and salad just as the day before.  Dessert came and I had pie. 

Then I failed again.  We took a plate of dessert home, it was less than the day before, but my lack of self control took over and I ate all of my portion in one sitting as soon as I got home.  Of course I had  bolused for it. I went to bed hating myself more than ever.

I learned a lesson I have learned many times before.  I lack self control and if food I like is accessible, I'll eat it, and I'll probably do it all in one sitting.  This is why I do not allow any unhealthy food in my house.  If it's not here I don't eat it, I don't even think about it, crave it, desire it.  But if it's here, I can do nothing else but think about it and want it and eat it until it's gone.

Today I woke up high, I took the proper dose of insulin to normalize me.  I am picking up where I left off before Thanksgiving and I will continue to live healthy.  I hope I can remember this experience at Christmas and not repeat my despicable behavior. 

I know it's not failure per se.  It's just a hick-up, but I was so determined to not disrupt my healthy and successful lifestyle even for one holiday.  I am disappointed in myself, but I will learn from this and work harder to develop and strengthen my self control.