Sunday, July 13, 2014

Somtimes it Wears You Down

Type I Diabetes, diabetic retinopathy, coronary artery disease, acid reflux, frozen shoulder syndrome, staph infection, poor leg circulation.  these are the health issues I deal with daily.  Usually I take it all in stride and find some release by talking it out via this blog and Facebook.  But sometimes the constant pain and the constant "time for more medicine", the constant vigilance,  and constant doctors visits to only be told I need yet more treatment and/or surgery, and the constant realization that I am only half as capable and independent as I used to be...sometimes it all just wears me down.

I had a third surgery on my right eye back in June.  From that day on I was sleeping a lot, it seems that no matter how much sleep I get and what I do in my waking hours, I always end up taking a nap or two during the day.  And I mean real one to three hour naps.  As my eye healed and I felt much better, you would think the tiredness and naps would end.  You see, I am not a napper by nature, I loath naps, I dispise them.  The only time I ever take naps is if I am ill (or healing from surgery).

I told myself it was the healing process.  I told myself it was because I didn't sleep well at night because of my pained frozen shoulder. I told myself a lot of things.

Then the other night I was in bed thinking I shouldn't be so tired because I had taken a three hour nap earlier that day.  Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was so obvious that I couldn't believe I had missed it until now.

I am depressed.

I mope around the house all day, take naps, feel pain no matter what I do, look at the world through one good eye, no matter how hard I try..everytime I fix a health issue something else falls apart.  I've lost my driver liscence and can't walk far because of leg pain (poor circulation), I can't work because of the surgeries (healing from them) therefore we are down my portion of the income....

It is understandable to experience depression under such circumstances, and now that I have realized I am depressed, I can work to come out of it.

But first, a nap...

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